My Life

Well this is my family a long time ago! Welcome to 1978, this is from my first christmas.

My mom, and dad. We didn't have much, just lots of love lol.

Scary thing about these pics is that the style has come back

again!!!!

I like old pictures, it's always nice to look back once in a while. See how far you have come, and ask where is it you want to go?

Something New!!

I don't want to say that things are finally coming together.... but I guess I'm as on track as can be! I'm looking at the GM (General Manager) position at my work. I have a good staff, good kitchen. It's great there! Savannah is doing well, mom and dad are great. My friends are great, I have a new truck, and if things stay somewhat on track..... I could be in my own house next year this time!!!! Do you have any idea how amazing that is!

Well I know I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself, nothing is a for sure thing. Just that this is as close as I ever felt to this.... I feel like that maybe sometime in my future, it will be possible for us to have a house of our own. I comfortable at my work, I have a the opportunity to learn an enormous amount of info. Whether I get this new position or not. Either way I learn all the same things, it's just one position I get the money of it, the other way I'll have to work harder at a lesser amount until the time is right. My luck it will be the lesser of the two, but hey..... can't complain! I'm still learning... ultimately.... isn't that the biggest part in life? I'm having fun again!! So proud of me.... doing a little dance... have fun tonight!! Ha ha ha... ahhhh! Later...

more time is needed

It's weird how life works out sometimes. You can be walking around wishing for a life that you think is ideal. Having no idea that it's really not want you want! Meaning once you have it in front of you.... you see it in a different light.

Which is what I'm finding out right now. I find it disturbing, to have come across this again! Another guy who wishes to just take care of me. Here I am fighting this all the way. It feels akward to have to rely on a man now. I didn't think it would feel like it did... kind of like riding a bike. You just need to get back on again. So not the case!! Not that it's what I was looking for, it just kind of happened. It's not in me to play a littel house wife lol. Because that's what it is, playing. I'm not helpless, nor weak, nor stupid in anyway. My heart maybe foolish but that's a different matter.

Now in all this I have learned something very important about myself. I've faced some decisions that are not the easiest for a singel mother, a woman to face. I've realized that I will never be that woman I thought I would be. I won't be at home keeping the house clean, cooking supper and joining the PTA. I will be out working 60 hours a week to provide for my family. Making supper when I can, out with school PTA, seeing my friends, even find time in all that for a friday night partying once in a while. Sadly I guess I've assumed the traditional "male role", so it's only fair that another male in the family would be a threat to my identity. Wow, I'm not sure where I got that from but it just cam out. Seems to make sense, now that's weird. I'm not saying I'm lesbian!! I'm saying it's sad because... I'm confused... what I thought I would be... I will never be. What I once dreamed is not a dream, it's a dreaded place to be. My future is unkown completely to me!! I know a career will drive my life. Proof to Savannah that we will make it together. Realizing fear of commitment runs deeper than I ever thought.... well I have time on my side right?

I must have faith in myself, my strength to pull my family through anything. My own fears most of all. I don't want her to have my fears, I want her to be able to trust and love with out the fear I feel. Without this weight of shame I carry on my shoulders.