Camping

So we went camping!!!! It was so great, our group took up 3 campsites lol. We slept in til 10 am or so, made breakfeast... go to the river... build sandcastles... have a drink... play with the kids.... just amazing!!!!! Jackie and I didn't want to leave, we had it down to a science!!! Although the liquor bill would've been high if we stayed! lol.

Kids behaved wonderfuly, couldn't ask for anything better. We took them to the river at least twice a day, played in the playground, riding bikes...They were great!

We got to go river boating too, now that was cool.... kind of scary too! If he is not concentrating we could hit a rock and go flying lol. Savannah got to do some fishing as well....

At night the kids would roast some marshmellows, or make banana boats, then off to bed. Then Jackie and I got to have time to ourselves and our wine lol. Make a good fire, and become hypnotized by the flames. Laughing and singing away!!!

I came back to town for one day of work, then out to the acreage with Jackie and the kids for 2 more nights lol. We went frog hunting (and a very sucessful hunt may I add). We made a very big fire!!! Stayed up late again being silly lol.

PERFECT!!!!!!

Canada Day Celebration!!

So Savannah and I dressed up this year for Canada Day. We designed our clothes and painted our faces. It was fun, it's a tradition of ours. We spent yesterday evening listening to the bands play, watching fireworks, then to the parade today and all the festivities.

Don't we look awesome!!!

Of course Ashley and Lance joined us!!

We made our way to Jack's and picked her some flowers too!

Thank you

I think we are amazing people!!! I know I haven't been alone during my struggle, yet I felt alone. My mind knew yet my heart felt differently. I've been venting on this site for almost a year now, and I feel this need to apologize to everyone. I never realized that there are all of you, many of you have kept informed through this blog. I know some of you cried with me, laughed with me and just felt confused with me lol. Weird how the mind and heart can work so differently...
In this last week, my eyes have opened to my world once again!! This is how I named my blog, cause I'm "Awestruck" with life, and how we live. I am actually in a good, no - amazing time in my life!!!
I have so many terrific friends from work, home, and online!! I have survived, I feel reborn into a new stage in my life!! I feel amazing, even the colors of summer look different to me, smell of flowers.....
I'm happy to be alive!!!! I'm thankful to all my buddies here in town, and on blogging. You've been here all along, thank you!!!

Life goes on

So... Life goes on....

Savannah and I keep busy, we bike and roller blade...... Brook is with us as much as possible.
Ya, lol that's me in the middle all geared up!! I've never bladed before!! I also hate being hurt so it only seems fitting to be prepared.
My beautiful little cowgirl!!

Of course my buddy's son is over, he discovered how cool my house is cause we have a playground in the back yard...keep him away now Ash (hehehehe).There they are, my best buddy and my little buddy. He calls me his girlfriend, so look out guys!! You got some competition now!!!!!!

It's over

So.... It is finally over. I got my victory, I got my admission of guilt from him in court. Of course there had to be a deal, but the alternative was unacceptable. Have Savannah testify in the trial against her dad. Ya ... so not going to happen!! He plead guilty and took a lesser punishment then jail. I had a say in the terms of his probation, which I won't get into here.

I feel different... I feel very relaxed.... very calm. It's been a very emotional day!!
I remember the officer voice recorded my statement the day of the offense. When I was at court this morning, the prosecutor handed me a file. In this file was my statement, written like a script from a play... found it hard to read. I was picturing myself 2 years ago in the basement of the neighbours house saying all these words, crying, and the officer repeating questions to understand me. In the script it was written as "undecipherable" where I was crying to much to understand. I finished my statement and continue to look through..... There was the statement of my daughter. It was shorter than I remembered, I remember sitting on the chair and holding my hands over my mouth to prevent myself from sobbing too loudly. I could hear her voice speak the words I read. It was hard, I cried some more.
Now I feel numb, I feel relieved. There isn't that heavy cloud over my head weighing me down. I'm free of his lies. In a court of law, he admitted his guilt, and took his punishment. It wasn't jail, which wasn't my concern anyways. It did have it's upside to it lol, but not the point of this. I now have some closure to this. The terms to his probation were everything I wanted, so in all, this was a victory for me. He finally had to face the damage he caused, although he will never understand how severe it was!!

Ya ok.... I'm mad at the world today!!! I'm so mad!!! How can he walk this earth????????? How can he be able to breathe the air that keeps us alive.... walk on the same ground we do.... how can he not be hurting like we do!!!!!!!!!! How can anyone do what he's done and lift his head to society... even has convinced his family that I'm blowing this out of proportion, it does take two you know. HA!!!!! Fuck that!!! How would they know any diff.... they are 8,000 km's away!!! I've lived this nightmare from day one! I'm sorry for ever hiding the abuse but please cut me a break ..... I'm still coming out the bitch in all this. Never mind the police.... the pics of my neck from being strangled.... the statement from Savannah who was 5 at the time.... the neighbours who saved me. Tell me what about this makes me the bitch!! Besides not standing for that abuse anymore!!!

I wish it would all stop!!!!!!!

His family must accept the fact that their son has a severe problem.... it's not me..... he is sick, and dangerous. It's only been 2 months since the police had to track him down for threatening to kidnap savannah and finish killing me! Yet some how that never happened to them..... AND NOW THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE ME TO COURT!!!!!!!!! Because I don't let anyone talk Savannah.... I'm afraid for him to find out what we are up to, and his family will say what we do. Because Mario is of course the baby, and I'm blowing this out of proportion.

I AM SO MAD.... I AM HURTING SO MUCH.... I FEEL SO... SO.....I DON'T KNOW !!!!!! I can't stop crying... I hurt so much... so much....I cried the whole way walking tonight.

I went to my favorite place tonight to relax after walking for hours. It felt good to see my buddy, felt to good to feel safe for a while. God knows this place sure isn't.... but what can I do...court is next week, maybe once the judge actually gets to hear everything... and that it's been 2 years of torture!!! that it doesn't get any better.... maybe he/she will make HIM go away!!! Give me some security, out walking tonight .... the freaks in town were not my worry! It's coming across him that 's my worry... and would be a very dangerous thing. I would like to think that I would be able to kick his ass, but I know the diff.

My friend found out I walked tonight, he was right to say it was too dangerous. I never should have been walking so late at night. If Mario would seen me... god knows......

just til next week!! lets hope it will be over then....

Sex and the City

So I went to see the movie tonight..... I loved it!!! I cried....I laughed...the whole audience did!! Ashley and I went.... I'm so glad I seen it with her. It was only right to go see it with her, had no idea it would effect me as much as it did. The movie stayed true to friendship between the girls, and true to reality. How they are there for each other, how they work through things together. Ash is always there when I need her, she knows when I need her before I do sometimes..... lol. Movie scares me a little, makes me think of my own life. Comforts me in a way that maybe there can be a modern day fairytale, it may not be Cinderella at the ball.... but it will be mine! Scares me in a way that I could find myself single for a very long time. Which I may find ok at times right now... but what about later?
I know I'm silly for comparing myself to a character from a TV show gone movie. But the real silly thing is, I feel connected to them. I'm not crazy lol.... just a woman who is finding herself turning 30, single, and a mother, who is scared to death, and I have found myself thinking or been in the the scenarios from the TV show!! Not all of them no, but many. I have fallen in love with them and taken a journey with them. They have helped me through some very scary times, when I couldn't bring myself to face the world. Drowned in self pity, I laughed and cried through the series one at a time. I realized that crazy times, sad times, fun times, romance, and complete kaos will happen in life lol.
Ya, I guess that sums it up for me..... I'll just keep going with the flow, I'm doing ok. I've got my friends, my favorite places to go, my favorite people to see, that's a start!!

Have you ever felt broken?

I do sometimes....then sometimes I think I'm ok. I'm happy with being me, I'm happy with being single. It's not the end of the world for me!! Yet some people around me have put the doubt in my mind.

It's been mentioned that maybe I'm broken!!!! I've had "the nice guy" in front of me twice now, and left him!! The guy who would bend over and take it up the ass ( almost ) for me!! Yet some how I manage to find all the reasons to not be with them. The really ironic thing is they both had the same name!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! Once when I was 18 and the next well 29.

It's been mentioned that I like the bad guy lol. Well maybe so, does that mean that I won't have my happy ending? Maybe I don't want that 5 million dollar house with "you know who" maybe I don't want to be a stay at home wife with no self respect! I can't be someone I'm not!! Why can't I have the guy that makes me feel alive! The one that turns me on! I have learned about myself, and I'm not the white picket fence and afternoon tea!! Its not that I don't want nice things. I don't want to change who I am in the process. Yes I maybe rough around the edges, but I want someone who likes me. Not what he thinks I should become!! Go ahead and give me a white picket fence that's ok, just give me a BBQ with my friends and a bottle of Zinfandel, or a Bud!! Slip and slide for the kids, and me lol.

Obviously my track record shows that the guys who take my heart are also the ones who break it. The guys I'm attracted too are usually the wrong ones... or are they????

Maybe it's my way of finding what works for me, what I like!! I'm living my life, only one of them really hurt me, like traumatically!! The others were romances that didn't work, we had fun and enjoyed each others company and I learned things about myself along the way.

Does that mean I'm broken?? Or I am screwed up from Mario and can't handle a real commitment?

WTF!?!?

I would like to think that I'm on the right track! I am normal lol, somewhat anyways lol. And most of all I am Happy now!!! Hear me world.... I am happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am doing what's right for me!! No one else.... I have a friend who I like, he makes me smile every time I see him. I like to hear his voice and see his smile!! I'm happy with that, we get to hang once in a while, not often, but we find the time.... sometimes lol.

My little baby turned young woman

So Savannah is having a hard time with Father's Day this year. She is feeling very hurt and angry. I don't blame her, I would be too, I am!!! She is struggling again, it seems just when she is at an understanding she figures out another detail which just messes up her whole theory. These are some of her words lately-

" Is it okay to love someone but hate them? I'm confused ....."

" I'm not missing MY DADDY, I'm missing out on having a daddy...I wish I had one...."

" Why doesn't Dad love me enough to quit drugs and alcohol?"

" I wish I could go back to that day mommy, I would not just sit there screaming..... I would go to daddy and just smack him! I would tell him that I won't love him anymore.... I would hit and kick him until he stopped hitting you!! I would protect you mommy like you protect me....."

Now take that!!

So did not expect this so soon. I thought she would be older before some of these would come at me. She is so grown up for a 7 year old... she is learning on her own the difference in loving someone and wanting someone. I just hope she will be able to trust men when she is older. I want her to be a strong young woman, support herself, get an education have lots of friends and live life a little. Meet someone who enjoys the things she enjoys, and go from there.

One step at a time Annalee....right? Lets work up to the adolescent years first lol. But I can't help but feel like she has been robbed of her innocences, right to think the world is fairy tale for a while. It feels as though she has been forced to grow up to a reality that she biologicaly wasn't ready for. Not in my eyes anyways, maybe I'm just wanting to keep her a baby, or maybe it would be my fairy tale for her to have that worry free childhood. Is there such a thing these days????????????

Fathers Day again!!

So it's been a full week for me!! Lets back up to the previous Sunday....

Sunday night I went out with the guys from work... oh my.... we danced like crazy drunk fools trying not to fall all over the place. I had a blast! I forgot how fun the bar could be.... I ran into a lot of people I haven't seen for a long time. It's not something I would want to do all the time, but it was awesome for something different.

Monday morning I wasn't feeling so great, a little tired lol. So.... I remember that I lost my bank card and my truck keys at the club.... doh!!!.... So realizing that the club is closed for the next 2 days I'm not impressed!! So I get ready to go to drive to Camrose with Mark, one of the guys from work( who I was out with the night before). We had a meeting there for our work. So we speeded our way there with only one speeding ticket by the way. Stopping in Edmonton to visit some friends only to get caught up in every construction zone there is in the city, we found every dead end!!! Did you know there is a little China town in Edmonton?? We also found crack head central lol.... we locked the car doors during that place!!!! After 2 hours in the city driving we found them, we visited, then off to Camrose.... we finally got there at 1 am!!!!

Tuesday we were up and gone to our meeting, feeling sore muscles I never knew I had!! Realizing that we must have looked like fools on sunday lol. So our meeting was not very long thank god!! We headed back to Edmonton to our friends restaurant and hung out there for a while. Mark got to play in the kitchen, he was very happy. I wanted to help with front of House but thought I should leave it alone. I helped out where I could with the kitchen. So we headed back home. We listened to new kids on the block, and tried to make it back here without stopping for gas. We almost didn't make it!!!!!! But, we did... and we had fun along the way lol.

Wednesday I woke up to extreme pains in my chest, my right arm lost all feeling. I couldn't breathe, my motor skills felt almost paralyzed by these sharpe pains. I was so scared.... I called my Mom, she came right away, got Savannah off to school and me to the emergency room. They had me on the heart monitor for the first half of the day, then putting me through tests checking my lungs etc. They couldn't diagnose, he wanted to keep me overnight.... of course I wanted to go home, so I did. I was very, very stoned on a lot of pain killers through my IV, don't remember much more than that lol.

Thursday I worked regardless of how I felt...

Friday I worked all day, then spent all night back at emerge again!!! SO after all that the doctor says " I can't find anything wrong, it must be the lining of your lungs inflamed. Go home and it will be better in few days". I so hate that place!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They had me propped up in a chair when my mom showed up there, I could barely breath, my blood pressure was through the roof, empty beds everywhere...... the nurse says " she's not in that bad of shape to require a bed" Well lets just say my mom wasn't having that lol. I'm so glad my mommy showed up lol.

So saturday I sleep then work..... same with sunday...... so glad when monday came around cause that means no work !!!!!!!!!

I still feel like crap, but what can you do when the health system cares for masking your pain with pain killers as to finding why you can't breathe while your having chest pains!!!!

And life goes on..........

Mother's Day

Mother's Day weekend

So here we are another Mother's Day!! Savannah and I went to the acreage for a night, I didn't have to work (doing a little happy dance) so we figured it's time to get out there!! Plus Jack and I get together every Mother's Day weekend. Kids play until they drop. We drink our wine until we drop lol. (Which was about 4 am!!!!!) I got up with our kids this morning and and gave them breakfeast once I found my brain again!! Could've sworn my head fell off and I kicked it down the stairs when I woke up!! 3 bottles of wine and 4 hours of sleep is hard on the system lol.
Her and I hung out outside today, which was wonderful, so peaceful out there. Feels so different coming back into town. I love the country. We took the kids on a frog hunt... we found the eggs everywhere.... but no frogs lol. Savannah and I stayed for supper then it was back to town. But we had an amazing time, always do with Jack and the kids.

Not too much to ask!

I feel so.... Not sure..... it's not sad... at least I don't think so lol. I'm finding myself wondering if there will be someone out there for me lol. ya I can hear some of you now.

your so young yet, don't worry! Well, I am....

What can I do? I'm me... and maybe someone like me is not meant to be with someone else. There are many of people who never marry, God that does not sound well lol.

I would like to spend my life with ..... just wish there was someone who thought I was ..... well what they are looking for without wanting to change me, who wants me just the way I am!! funny quirks and all!! I know that is not too much to ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just

I found this.... A moment frozen in time.... I remember feeling so horrible, no words to describe how empty, and hollow I felt back then. I don't know exactly how scared I was, how damaged I am, except for these poems I left behind. I blacked out for a while after I left my daughter's dad. There is a time I don't remember. But I'll come across these poems that I don't remember.

Just cry,

Just as I hit the floor.

Just cry,

Just like before.

Just breathe,

Just a little more.

Just breathe,

Just like before.

Just scream,

Just head for the door.

Just scream,

Just like before.

just run,

Just a little bit more.

Just run,

Just get her out before.

Just hide,

Just huddle here on the floor.

Just hide,

Just stay away from the door.

Just cry,

Just cry some more.

Just cry my baby,

Just hug into mommy some more.

I cannot describe how that makes me feel....Forgive me, please I need to forgive myself for that, I need to rid myself of that tragedy, rid myself of that guilt. It was not my fault.......!

Next

So...... I swear to what ever is suppose to be above us looking out for us..... There is nothing for me lol... Well, I guess that's a little drastic!! But I'm sure you know the feeling lol.

So the dating game continues.

So how does this work?

To be honest with you, I don't want a boyfriend! Is that normal? I want to make it on my own, I want to proud of digging myself out of this whole I've found myself in. Is that unrealistic? I don't know cause I'm the first of my kind. I don't know anyone else in my position. At least they don't have my obstacles, money etc. ( Not saying they don't exist... just not in my knowledge, physically.... I know your out there lolll) ( HELP) I want someone who wants me for me.... Not what they see I could be for them!!!

I just broke up with a guy who couldn't help himself but buy flowers for me all the time. Who wanted to supp0rt me ( $$$$$), pay off my debt, buy me my truck!! Those of you who know me.... Damn!!!!!!!!! That was a hard move.... But at the end of it all, I can't wake up one day and realize that I stayed with someone for their money. (Which he pushed at me every step of the way). That he was so good cause he made so much money, which he did, more than I could ever dream of having at my disposal!!! But with everything comes a cost... ( Not to mention that he was still not divorced!!! meaning that he is still married! $*&^$ that!!!! I wont' be that woman)

I chose my dignity.

I chose my freedom, cause he already showed signs of controlling me because of his money, and it's only just over a month in!! So...

Realizing I am not one of those girls who can be with a man just for his money, I do not regret to inform you I broke up with him.... Not all that sad about it!! That must say something too. Money does not mean a !#%&*) a thing, it's how the person make you feel, how they respect you.

Spring!!!!!!

So we need to play catch up!!! Here are some pics from a walk Savannah and I took a few weeks ago. I've been keeping busy as you can see......

When all the snow was in the process of melting the first time lol.

It's nice to feel summer approaching

Excuses Excuses!!

So this is just not acceptable!! I'm averaging 1 post a month, so not like me!!!! I have some excuses though, wanna hear???????

• I've been working like crazy!! (Though I always did.... I just blogged in the middle of the night.... ahh! The new boyfriend syndrome...that's right, I'm not alone blogging, I'm ......sleeping.....he he he.)
• I didn't know what to say lol... Ha!!!! Ya I couldn't type it with a straight face let alone say it out loud lol. I think I'm reaching a little too far on that one lol.
• My laptop is broken!! Really makes me mad since I do my best blogging at night in my room, in my bed where I like to vent about my day with the occasional glass of wine or two.....
• I know what it was..... I've been on the run from my ex boyfriend who has gone completely insane and is threatening my daughter and I!!!

So how have you been? Really? That sounds interesting...... Oh you want to know more ? Oh , ok then.....

So where do I start?..... Well those of you who know me, my trial was this month. Those of you who don't know well let me bring you up to speed.

[ When my ex beat the crap out of me, and was strangling the life out of me in front of our 5 year old daughter, I thought it was time to leave. When the police found my daughter and I in the neighbours house hiding for our lives, he was next door (home) sitting in the garage drinking again at 9 am. thinking nothing is wrong. My marks and bruises told a story, along with our daughter who gave her own statement to the police, which I might add really freaked me out!! To hear her innocent little voice tell such a scary story. The police were quick in helping me, and also pressing charges.] Ok so back to my original story. So, I'm not going to get into too much detail. My trial was this week. He was after calling me at work a couple weeks ago all aggravated about not seeing his daughter. We have been over this so many times!! But of course he is drunk, he is not understanding. He keeps hanging up on me, and then calling back. I get angry and tell him to @%*&#$ off!! But then he says he will go to the school and see Savannah and if I get in his way I will get it. Well I know him well enough thank you, will not take that lightly.
So I scoop my girl up and off we go, away... far away from this town. I have a friend who we stayed with, took us out for supper and helped us occupy our time. I delt with the local police dept there, victim service ladies were very kind.
We acted like tourists and visited tourist places, it was fun. Can't really say much more than that about it, although I want to show you pictures so bad, and tell you some funny stories of the travels, because we did alot of travelling!!
So I return for my trial, after the endless torture of events in my head of what it will be....Only to find out the bastard is too much of a coward to show. He didn't show!!! So I think he must have left town.... happy with that thought :) But the more I meet with my Constable ###### (who the most awesome officer in the world) the more we discover. He is still in town, don't have a clue on what he was thinking there!
Long version made short, they gave him the chance to turn himself in, and he did. Now he has been released again, not allowed to come near me, contact me indirectly or directly!! there were other things that I don't need to get into right now. But the ball is rolling again. Except now I've got to wait for this to go through the court process again, so it's been 20 months already since the crime, now it could take this long again!!! gotta love the justice system!!! Think that might be the title of my next blog.

Well I need to sleep, can't seem to sleep at night anymore..... Now feels like the time today.....

Split second of a thought,

I no longer feel blue.

I can't help but smile,

with the thought of you.

Even thoguh I shouldn't,

your always in my dreams.

One way or another,

your everywhere it seems.

Couldn't silence my thoughts,

even if I wanted to.

Every part of my soul,

seems to cry out for you.

So I sit here and smile,

thinking of what could be.

If my dreams would come true,

And you're here with me.

Sorry, I just realized you probaly think this is about the guy I spoke about earlier..... It's not!!! Someone else, just once in while I think about him, he makes me feel better. One of those things.
I know he will never read this, but..... I miss you!!!

Message In a Bottle

Send your own message in a bottle, just click on the following link.
http://sendmessageinabottle.blogspot.com

Memory lane

Well, after seeing my friend with all of her old girlfriends from high school, got me thinking of mine. How much I miss them
I was looking through some old high school papers I have kept. Do you remember those little riddles, or little poems or sayings that you would always read on the bathroom walls, or write on your text books somewhere? I never realized just how cruel some of them are!!! I guess our sense of humor changes with age too..... Some I found just funny.... But one story caught my eye. I remember one friend of mine making me read this, it made me smile back then, even though I really didn't understand it, cause I'm reading it now, and it made me cry because I do understand now.

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

You learn that love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't mean security,

You began to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't promises,

You began to accept your defeats with your head up and your eyes open,

with the grace of an adult not the grief of a child,

You learn to build all your own roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain,

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much,

So plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,

instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers,

You learn that you really can endure...

that you really are strong,

you really do have worth.

Thanks Moo

Lub's ya still lol.

I found this picture, I had to share it with you LOL!!!!

Reminds me of the creatures from the movie "Hellraiser".

So gross, yet so intriguing....can't look away.

Warning

"WARNING

STRESS LIMITS HAVE EXCEEDED THEIR

NATURAL PARAMETERS -

FOLLOWING CONTENT MUST BE VENTED

TO PREVENT A TOTAL MELT DOWN"

3 weeks, a lot can change in 3 weeks.... 3 weeks ago I was driving around thinking it's about time for things to start going good for me, I had a plan on getting my own place, new truck in the spring. So happy I had taken that time off work for my trip up north. I had the chance to clear my head and think of things I haven't had the time to sort out. I felt rejuvenated!! Now the following may or may not seem like much to you. But to me it's my world crumbling down after I have fought so hard to make it my own. These are the major bad points, not counting all the little things that may frustrate you from day to day. Like the little snow ball at the top of the hill, it's not so little when it reaches the bottom....

• 3 weeks ago, just at the end of that cold snap we were so blessed to experience. I discovered that my transmission no longer wanted work. If it was cold out side (-5 or colder) I had to let it warm up for at least 20 - 30 minutes to ensure it would change gears!!! So I say to myself " Self....just save up your money, get a rebuilt ( I use to work at the place here so maybe I will get a deal)." It'll be ok, worst things could happen. - Talk about understament of the century!!!!


• 2 weeks ago, I realize that my work is cutting back hours. When you want to save up for a tranny (quickly) that's not a good thing. Plus I want to be in my own place in 3 months so need a working vehicle for school and work!! So I say to my self " Self.... you better get moving on that second job. I know you really don't want late night shifts but, you gotta do what ya gotta do!!"


• 10 days ago at my most venerable point in my relationship with my ex who was slowly proving himself a changed man. Calls me at 2 am to ask me to pick him up at the RCMP station cause he got himself in more trouble being the %*&#@ idiot he is ( see blog entry "2 am")!!!!!!!! This was a huge ordeal because he betrayed me , after all I.....$%&*@#!!!!! He lost all visitation rights to his daughter, which hurts her more than him. I've lost all child support since the outcome will be jail in a month so there goes that new place for while!! I only just started getting money from him 2 months ago. So I say to myself..."Self... You shake him off, that man has done far worst than hurt your feelings before, so this is a cake walk!! Move on, at least in jail he can't hurt you anymore."


• 6 days ago I decided to go out for a few drinks and dancing. I had to wear those boots.... they're hot.... but obviously dangerous. Especially once your drunk on a wet dance floor... so down I go ( see blog entry ) !! Broke my Scaphoid bone. This took 3 painful days to diagnose, a lot of time off work...so again...not good for saving money !!!! Still not good for money being a waitress for a living, I'm a lot slower than normal. It frustrates me cause I'm a good waitress So I say to myself...."Self.... what the #%!* did you think you were doing, look what ya got done now!! Oh well, just deal with it, you'll do the best you can, what else can you do?"


• During all this going on with wrist my car is making a new and scary noise!! Even I know it has nothing to do with my tranny. ( of course since the cold weather has gone it gives me some time with my tranny problem! ) I left my car parked cause I'm really not in the mood to deal with a broken car...... So yesterday I figured... why put off my meltdown? I took her to the garage and guess ...lol....yup.....The #$#@!# motor is gone!!!!! No vroom vroom any more!!! The car is 5 years old 109,000 kms and the motor is shot. And I swear one more guy asks me if I put oil in it I will knock him back on his ass!!! Probably give him a few kicks while he's down too!!!!!!! So I say to myself...."Self....stop crying, you'll find away through this. You always find a way through this. Please stop crying...."

I mean come on!!!! This is just the last 3 weeks!!! This is suppose to be the year I finally get out of this house!!! I couldn't keep up with credit debt payments because of "him" first time in my life I've had missed payments on my credit report, and it's maxed out credit because of him before he left. So I can't get help that way!!! I got 2 years left to pay on the car, I can't afford to get it fixed. between 4 & 5 thousand to do the motor, than about another 3 thousand for the tranny!!!

Seriously, it's all I can do to just "be" right now. Be me at home, or work, or a mommy or I don't know what cause I am ready to just shut down!! Whats' the ^*&$#! is the point anymore, no matter how hard I try this is just gonna happen. I don't know how I did it before? I ran on pure steam from my rage towards him for a while. But I'm not about that now. I'm tired of struggling, I struggled to get past my health problems all those years, which blended into surviving/getting past him all those years and now I just don't think I got the strength to keep fighting. Life.....is it always going to be like this? For you that don't know me, may think I'm over reacting,dramatic. Fine doesn't really bother me lol. For those who do....well, ( Ash time to worry) I think I finally hit the wall!!! I honestly don't know... I don't know....don't know! I just want to disappear.......