I found this picture, I had to share it with you LOL!!!!

Reminds me of the creatures from the movie "Hellraiser".

So gross, yet so intriguing....can't look away.

Warning

"WARNING

STRESS LIMITS HAVE EXCEEDED THEIR

NATURAL PARAMETERS -

FOLLOWING CONTENT MUST BE VENTED

TO PREVENT A TOTAL MELT DOWN"

3 weeks, a lot can change in 3 weeks.... 3 weeks ago I was driving around thinking it's about time for things to start going good for me, I had a plan on getting my own place, new truck in the spring. So happy I had taken that time off work for my trip up north. I had the chance to clear my head and think of things I haven't had the time to sort out. I felt rejuvenated!! Now the following may or may not seem like much to you. But to me it's my world crumbling down after I have fought so hard to make it my own. These are the major bad points, not counting all the little things that may frustrate you from day to day. Like the little snow ball at the top of the hill, it's not so little when it reaches the bottom....

• 3 weeks ago, just at the end of that cold snap we were so blessed to experience. I discovered that my transmission no longer wanted work. If it was cold out side (-5 or colder) I had to let it warm up for at least 20 - 30 minutes to ensure it would change gears!!! So I say to myself " Self....just save up your money, get a rebuilt ( I use to work at the place here so maybe I will get a deal)." It'll be ok, worst things could happen. - Talk about understament of the century!!!!


• 2 weeks ago, I realize that my work is cutting back hours. When you want to save up for a tranny (quickly) that's not a good thing. Plus I want to be in my own place in 3 months so need a working vehicle for school and work!! So I say to my self " Self.... you better get moving on that second job. I know you really don't want late night shifts but, you gotta do what ya gotta do!!"


• 10 days ago at my most venerable point in my relationship with my ex who was slowly proving himself a changed man. Calls me at 2 am to ask me to pick him up at the RCMP station cause he got himself in more trouble being the %*&#@ idiot he is ( see blog entry "2 am")!!!!!!!! This was a huge ordeal because he betrayed me , after all I.....$%&*@#!!!!! He lost all visitation rights to his daughter, which hurts her more than him. I've lost all child support since the outcome will be jail in a month so there goes that new place for while!! I only just started getting money from him 2 months ago. So I say to myself..."Self... You shake him off, that man has done far worst than hurt your feelings before, so this is a cake walk!! Move on, at least in jail he can't hurt you anymore."


• 6 days ago I decided to go out for a few drinks and dancing. I had to wear those boots.... they're hot.... but obviously dangerous. Especially once your drunk on a wet dance floor... so down I go ( see blog entry ) !! Broke my Scaphoid bone. This took 3 painful days to diagnose, a lot of time off work...so again...not good for saving money !!!! Still not good for money being a waitress for a living, I'm a lot slower than normal. It frustrates me cause I'm a good waitress So I say to myself...."Self.... what the #%!* did you think you were doing, look what ya got done now!! Oh well, just deal with it, you'll do the best you can, what else can you do?"


• During all this going on with wrist my car is making a new and scary noise!! Even I know it has nothing to do with my tranny. ( of course since the cold weather has gone it gives me some time with my tranny problem! ) I left my car parked cause I'm really not in the mood to deal with a broken car...... So yesterday I figured... why put off my meltdown? I took her to the garage and guess ...lol....yup.....The #$#@!# motor is gone!!!!! No vroom vroom any more!!! The car is 5 years old 109,000 kms and the motor is shot. And I swear one more guy asks me if I put oil in it I will knock him back on his ass!!! Probably give him a few kicks while he's down too!!!!!!! So I say to myself...."Self....stop crying, you'll find away through this. You always find a way through this. Please stop crying...."

I mean come on!!!! This is just the last 3 weeks!!! This is suppose to be the year I finally get out of this house!!! I couldn't keep up with credit debt payments because of "him" first time in my life I've had missed payments on my credit report, and it's maxed out credit because of him before he left. So I can't get help that way!!! I got 2 years left to pay on the car, I can't afford to get it fixed. between 4 & 5 thousand to do the motor, than about another 3 thousand for the tranny!!!

Seriously, it's all I can do to just "be" right now. Be me at home, or work, or a mommy or I don't know what cause I am ready to just shut down!! Whats' the ^*&$#! is the point anymore, no matter how hard I try this is just gonna happen. I don't know how I did it before? I ran on pure steam from my rage towards him for a while. But I'm not about that now. I'm tired of struggling, I struggled to get past my health problems all those years, which blended into surviving/getting past him all those years and now I just don't think I got the strength to keep fighting. Life.....is it always going to be like this? For you that don't know me, may think I'm over reacting,dramatic. Fine doesn't really bother me lol. For those who do....well, ( Ash time to worry) I think I finally hit the wall!!! I honestly don't know... I don't know....don't know! I just want to disappear.......

Kelowna Ballet

We went to the ballet tonight, performance by the Kelowna Ballet. What a beautiful program, my favorite was "Affairs of the Heart". It was so moving, you could feel the emotion from dancers. They were incredible!!
Savannah got to talk with one of the dancers after the performance, she gave her a tip on how they are able to spin so much without getting dizzy. Her and Savannah talked a bit, then we left. Savannah wants to be a ballerina on stage when she is older, and she will!! I will do all I can to make it come true, she is already on her way. This is her 3 year of ballet, my sweet little ballerina.

Scaphoid Bone

So the verdict is in!!! I broke my "Scaphoid Bone". Apparently it's hard to pick up on an ex ray. An MRI is needed for detailed diagnosis if pain persists for an extreme amount of time. Other wise a doctor should be using... oh I don't know....Common sense!!!!! When I'm complaining of alot of pain when there shouldn't be. Acually take the time to examine me, touch my wrist even though it hurts and find out why for me!!! That's what this doctor did and how he knew what was wrong. He said wrist and thumb had to be set a certain way to heal, if not it would create alot of pain for a long time. So off I go back to the hospital to get them to put a casts on for me. Once again I have a very stimulating time with a nurse who makes me straighten my wrist and extend my thumb and fingers to the point of tears!!
Well, at least now it's diagnosed properly.... although the dude in the waiting room said he is on week #6 with his recovery with the same broken bone!!!! They are recasting his... well lets hope for better results for me.

Friday night not fun

Well, my night out on friday was eventful. I drank way too much wine with the girls, and along with my very high heels, and a disaster of a dance floor. My ass went to the floor. My friend helped me up. My hand and wrist felt kind of weird, enough that I didn't want to drink anymore. After complaining for a while about my hand, I went home. Didn't really feel like drinking after that, I tried to get back in the grove... but it just didn't work, I wanted to go home and sleep.

So I woke up to extremely severe pain shooting up my left arm!! My hand and wrist all swollen, so off to the doctor I go. Being Saturday now, I had to go to the Emergency Room. I don't know about where any of you live, but here in Grande Priaire it's never a good thing!!!!!!!! You have to brought in on a stretcher by an ambulance and on the brink of death to get their attention these days.
{Don't get me wrong, not because they don't care.... There is a major staff shortage! We have a lot of of sick people, some kind of viral infection that doesn't seem to be getting better without some strong antibiotics through IV.}

I arrived, the nurse took my info and I waited. Not half so long as usual, plus there were no freakishly sick people around me gagging and terrifying me with the thought of what they might have, which I thought was a BONUS! They doc finally got to take a look at my wrist, he said " looks like we may have something broke here, lets do an ex ray to make sure." So off I got to ex ray, and try to painfully twist my swollen wrist all the different ways it doesn't want to go!! I smile and thank the lovely lady for the stimulating experience and back to emerge I go. By now the percocete has taken over and I feel very relaxed now. I drift off to sleep so peacefully.

I wake a half hour to my pleasant nurse asking " what are you still doing here? "
I reply with " waiting for the results of my ex ray."
She leaves my little room very irritated. I watch her and listen to her going around asking other nurses where is my file. She couldn't even find my file, asking if anyone looked at my ex rays etc. I have no idea if they actually found it or not!! I had one nurse tell me it was a fracture, another tell me it's only a sprain.

Anyways, two ladies show up and take me to the cast room for this brace I now have on. They tell me to keep this on for 3 weeks! I go back to my room, it's someone elses now... I ask to see my doctor for some anti inflammatory and pain killers. The nurse said " We only have one doctor on the floor, he's too busy, go home and take some Ibuprofen." and walks away!!!

That's not right, I have no idea if something is actually broken. My fingers look like sausages! My bruise is just becoming visible now 3 days later which means it's a deep one! The pain is not subsiding at all. I have no strength in my hand at all!!

Interesting people

I have the day off work!!!!!! Yay me!!!! Savannah and I both have a day off.... which is pretty cool. So my car is making a whole new noise now, so it's staying parked now until I can get in for someone to look at it. Walking is what I'm doing from now!! This could be interesting loll.

( Wild T & the Spirit )

So I got to meet an interesting person yesterday at "Better Than Fred's". The group is "Wild T and the Spirit" presents Jimi Hendrix. They are good, and I got to talk with Tony Springer (guitar player & singer) for a bit, he invited me back toninght...will not be going...but the invite was nice.

( Tony )

He told me a few stories, we laughed, he talks really different. Like from those movies, " that's jiven babe.... so fly.....like out of the seventies!!!! I thought he was interesting. He invited me on stage to sing if I wanted !! I obviously won't .... but it's cool he offered!! I seen him play guitar with his teeth on stage, which I had never seen before. Awesome guitar player.

Women have strengths that amze men.

They bear hardships and they carry burdens,

but they hold happiness, love and joy.

They smile when they want to scream.

They sing when they want to cry.

They cry whey they are nervous.

They fight for what they believe in.

They stand up to injustice.

They don't take 'no' for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.

They go without so their family can have.

They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.

They love unconditionally,

They cry when their children excel and cheer when thir friends get awards.

They are happy when they hear about a birth or wedding.

Their hearts break when a friend dies.

They greive at the loss of a family member,

yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.

They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.

Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.

They'll drive, fly, walk, run or email you to show how much they care about you.

The heart of a woman is what makes the world keep turning.

They bring joy, hope and love....

For the Girls

Now I lay me down to sleep I pray the Lord my shape to keep.

Please no wrinkles, Please no bages,

And please no age spots. Please no grey

and as for my belly, Please take it away.

Please keep me healthy, Please keep me young,

and thank you dear lord, for all that you've done.

Five tips for Women

1. It is important that a man helps you around the house and has a job.


2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.


3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to you.


4. I t is important that a man loves you and spoils you.


5. It is important that these four men don't know each other!!!
   

One saggy boob said to the other saggy boob, "if we don't get some support soon people will think we're nuts."

I love it when my girlfriends send me these email, lol.....

Talk about ambition!!

I found this while I was aimlessly surfing the net last night.... I thought it was funny. Got to give the guy credit for at least trying lol.

Good bye to you

So I talked with him tonight finaly! He had alot of attitude with me, he usually does when he knows he screwed up. He tried to lie about what happened lol... he didn't remember telling me as much as he did! So I busted him on that right away, then he admitted that much to me. He tried to make it seem like no big deal, got nothing to do with her. I informed him that it has everything to do with her. I will not have this drama happening in her life! He is going to jail for nice while, even he agreed on that! I told him he is to stay away, he is to stay out of our lives for good, no games. No nothing anymore! He showed me just how reliable he is... I will not put up with that around Savannah!!! NEVER AGAIN!!!! We lived that way a long time ago, but not now. I've grown so much, I feel so nieve to have beleived him for that short period of time. Though I don't think he was purposely deceiving me (maybe I'm wrong about that too), but he has substance abuse problems, maybe jail will be the best thing. I told him I am giving him a clean start. No bagagge to take with him. Start over, worry about himself. Someday way down the road, Savannah will contact him. By then he should have his life together, maybe a new family.... and thats ok!! Cause the best thing for us and him is no contact. He will just keep hurting her and myself, I will not put her or myself through that again. Mostly myself - she is use to her dad, doesn't bother her like it use to. But he still gets to me, he tries use the fact that I want her to have her dad to get close to me. She is 7 yrs and already got it figured out. At least I know I raised her to be smart. So I've got to look at the big picture - he is already gone, I may see a person in front of me who looks like him, but that's it!!! He will never be the type of person who can be a postive influence in her life!!!! It's not someone who realizes the effects of his actions. So I will make this call..... I am her mother and that's that!!! He will never be her Dad!! I've got amazing friends, amazing family. We are strong, we'll be ok.........

Recovery...

Well, today was a hard day... You know, I never relized how much I beleived that he was on the road to recovery. Whether he is on the road to recovery or not.... she can't be a part of it. I have cried so much in the last 24 hrs, I feel like such a fool!! He will not be a part of Savannah's life, not her childhood anyways. The road he is stumbling down is no where near hers. I'm not a heartless bitch!! I've tried to help him in the past, but he needs to want to help himself!! He also needs to find a friend to lean on, NOT me. He has to move on with out me. I moved on years ago. I never heard from him today lol, he's sober so he knows better, or he is still in jail.

So I need to pull myself together !! Just keep being as supportive as I can be for Savannah. She is smart, I think she's already got him figured out. (maybe that's why I wanted to beleive him, I know she is letting him go). It was his last chance in her heart. I've also got to find an outlet for all this anger I'm experiencing at the moment. I have this urge I can't explain (ya I know how weird that sounds). I just want to punch the %*#! out of somthing and scream.... I'm frustrated! Well she has no Dad!!! There's a biological fathers and there are Dads and there are daddy's. For little girls, you want your daddy. I will have to try harder, give her more than I think I can. My little girl has no daddy.... too bad for him.

2 am

It's 2 am and I'm still awake..... just like the song lol. I got home from work not long ago... My first magangment closing shift. I got to dress up all pretty, had someone tell me I looked classy. I liked that.
I'm sitting up in bed, with my favorite movie(The Lake House) on trying to relax. My phone just rang...It's Mario ( my ex ).... He was suppose to show at my work with the child support that he has been so generously starting to pay me. That was sarcasim in case you couldn't tell. He is giving what he can on what he is making, but I've never seen him live on so little in the 12 years I've known him. He went fishing today and was upset with me cause he wanted to take our daughter fishing with him and his buddies... Don't have enough time to explain what is wrong with that. I know he was drinking out there cause when I spoke to him last he had that loving tone in his voice that pretty much said "fuck you bitch for not letting me take Savannah". The last message on my phone tonight is him completely drunk telling me he is driving in to town, and called me sweetie blah blah blah!! So he never showed up which is fine with me cause he is drunk and I don't need that!
So back to the phone call, 2 am and he is calling me to come get him out of jail......... He was pulled over for speeding, then taken to jail for driving while under the influence of alcohol, and possesion of narcotics!!!! Not to menchion he is in the company truck!!! He is calling for me to pick him up, that he has no one else to call..... NO I cannot do this, he asked for my help... No I cannot save you, I cannot help you. You need to deal with your conciquences... I releived myself of this responsiblitly along time ago. I'm not going back!! He is talking about warrants, and spending the night in jail unless I come get him.... He has called back 3 times now, I keep telling him the same thing... Guess your spending the night in jail cause I'm not picking you up!! ((might do him some good. But then being in jail for assult on me (twice) never made no difference. Whats one more night.))
This is so unfair!!! A part of me thought that he really was turning himself around.... how stupid can I be? This ontop of the other charges, he will be going to jail for sure. Savannah will be heart broken cause she will want to see him, he's been talking with her on the phone etc trying to start up a relationship again. I've let them meet and hang out again a few times in the last 2 months. They had planned something for tomorrow....... he screwed up. I screwed up.... I never should have let him close to her again. Now she will just be hurt again!! How could I be so reckless with her heart. I should've just kept him away like I was doing, she never would've known the difference. Now I will watch her heart break again...and it's my fault.

Valentine's Day for me

Well another Valentines Day here and gone. I got up, got Savannah off to school, my mom came home from work really sick, I made sure she was tucked away. Then off to work I went. A few hours later I got off work just in time to go get flowers (for mom, Savannah and my friend Hillary). Pick Savannah up from school and head home. Gave mom her flowers, and Savannah. Got Savannah ready for brownies and dropped her off at her to her friends house. Headed to my friends work with a single rose (she is one of my best friends, her hubby is away on a rig so I wanted surprise her with a flower since he couldn't). Then I rushed to work!

Now I accomplished that whole scenearo in 1 hour!!! pretty good considering the traffic I had to concour. I worked util 10 pm then went home to bed.

Not an eventful day at all, just a normal day of running around for me. Notice no flowers in all that lol. Ya, sucks to be me. I made sure people in my life had some, (ashley you had lance so no I didn' t buy u a flower, still luv ya babe). Oh well, I guess I shouldn't complain....


I did find it lonely, to watch the girls at work get flowers. My guests at work all in love, families all happy. It's not the easiest thing to handle sometimes....not at all. I wantthat feeling of being loved. The feeling that you get when he wants you for more than the obvious, for silly moments, the okward moments, the quiet moments. Just to know someone loves you for you. I've experienced it once, just few weeks ( summer romance), and wish for it again so bad. Sad I had to be 28 to find out about love like that, it was just bad timing. But something like that only comes by once in a while. I wonder if I will ever be lucky enough again?

Thinking out loud

The last few months I have been examining my life, and what direction I'm heading. I find myself at more than just a cross road. But more like a massive junction, leaves me feeling lost.

I know what I want, just can't see the way there. Do I trust my heart? Am I better off relying on common sense? I've always used a combination of the two, like most people....but what about when I'm not sure if I can trust my own judgment? Or my loved ones. I have people around me that I know love me very much, yet they purposly hold me back. Thye are afraid of the past repeating its self. They ask me, how can I take the chance.....

How can I not take the chance? I want to live again....

It's the final steps to my freedom.... Savannah and I moving out, start our new begining. She is ready and so am I. -Until I wonder how long will it be until Mario finds out and starts showing up. I feel my heart stricken with terror.... I can't breathe ...I just want to throw up. All the previous battles with myself over the abuse I went through, I didn't make it this far to give up. I'm strong, and this will be the hardest step in my recovery.- So.....

Welcome to my delema. I move out but stay in town and take the chance on Mario finding us. Or do I move away where he can't find me? Then my family and friends won't be there with me. I don't want to be all by myself. Or is that what I need? Will I be safe? It just keeps going on and on inside my head.....til I have this massive junction of possibilities in front of me... I don't know how to simplify this situation. Thinking out loud helps me sometimes.

I'm tired of living with this restriction on my life. I need to feel free once and for all, But what do I do about Mario?? He is unpredictable, which is something I don't like, makes my life very difficult right now...

Road Trip to the Yukon

Well, I finally got to go visit my buddy Mike up north. I'm really glad he didn't move further north, took me 14 hours driving (I only stopped for fuel once, got out stretched my legs a few times once I got into the mountains). 1109 kms from Grande Prairie to Watson Lake!! And I did it!! I did it!! The drive wasn't bad, except I had no music for at least 4 hours going through Summit Lake area up to Liard. Not to menchon that you can only drive between 40 to 60 kms in most places!!! So I had some time with myself in the mountain tops, it's funny what happens in times like that. If you've ever driven a distance then you know what I mean..lol. I baught a book on cd in Liard so the next 2 hours to Watson Lake went much better. I regained my sanity. But it was the most amazing drive I have ever taken. I drove from here to Vancouver before, went through Jasper way and never felt like this. This took my breath away. Such a powerful feeling from the place, so isolated, so wild... Not sure how to describe it.

So I spent the weekend relaxing with Mike and watching movies!!! Which was fine with me, it's cold up there!! It was great to see him again!! Been a while , so we spent some time catching up. I called Savannah... otherwise there was no contact with anyone else in the world. AWESOME!! I had a completely stress free weekend. I caught up on sleep, even got to start on my book I've been wanting to read for some time now.

Sadly, monday morning it was time to head back. I had to get packed and leave when the sun came up, which isn't til around 8am or so. The drive home was just as amazing, and I knew what kind of time frame I had so I stopped and took lots of pics. They never seem to look the same though...as what you saw at the time. Just so breath taking in person!! I never drove very far into the Yukon, (didn't have to). But I hope to another time, see what kind of scenery is up there. Majority of the pics are taken in the very northern rockies (BC) next to the Yukon Border.