Thank you

I think we are amazing people!!! I know I haven't been alone during my struggle, yet I felt alone. My mind knew yet my heart felt differently. I've been venting on this site for almost a year now, and I feel this need to apologize to everyone. I never realized that there are all of you, many of you have kept informed through this blog. I know some of you cried with me, laughed with me and just felt confused with me lol. Weird how the mind and heart can work so differently...
In this last week, my eyes have opened to my world once again!! This is how I named my blog, cause I'm "Awestruck" with life, and how we live. I am actually in a good, no - amazing time in my life!!!
I have so many terrific friends from work, home, and online!! I have survived, I feel reborn into a new stage in my life!! I feel amazing, even the colors of summer look different to me, smell of flowers.....
I'm happy to be alive!!!! I'm thankful to all my buddies here in town, and on blogging. You've been here all along, thank you!!!

Life goes on

So... Life goes on....

Savannah and I keep busy, we bike and roller blade...... Brook is with us as much as possible.
Ya, lol that's me in the middle all geared up!! I've never bladed before!! I also hate being hurt so it only seems fitting to be prepared.
My beautiful little cowgirl!!

Of course my buddy's son is over, he discovered how cool my house is cause we have a playground in the back yard...keep him away now Ash (hehehehe).There they are, my best buddy and my little buddy. He calls me his girlfriend, so look out guys!! You got some competition now!!!!!!

It's over

So.... It is finally over. I got my victory, I got my admission of guilt from him in court. Of course there had to be a deal, but the alternative was unacceptable. Have Savannah testify in the trial against her dad. Ya ... so not going to happen!! He plead guilty and took a lesser punishment then jail. I had a say in the terms of his probation, which I won't get into here.

I feel different... I feel very relaxed.... very calm. It's been a very emotional day!!
I remember the officer voice recorded my statement the day of the offense. When I was at court this morning, the prosecutor handed me a file. In this file was my statement, written like a script from a play... found it hard to read. I was picturing myself 2 years ago in the basement of the neighbours house saying all these words, crying, and the officer repeating questions to understand me. In the script it was written as "undecipherable" where I was crying to much to understand. I finished my statement and continue to look through..... There was the statement of my daughter. It was shorter than I remembered, I remember sitting on the chair and holding my hands over my mouth to prevent myself from sobbing too loudly. I could hear her voice speak the words I read. It was hard, I cried some more.
Now I feel numb, I feel relieved. There isn't that heavy cloud over my head weighing me down. I'm free of his lies. In a court of law, he admitted his guilt, and took his punishment. It wasn't jail, which wasn't my concern anyways. It did have it's upside to it lol, but not the point of this. I now have some closure to this. The terms to his probation were everything I wanted, so in all, this was a victory for me. He finally had to face the damage he caused, although he will never understand how severe it was!!

Ya ok.... I'm mad at the world today!!! I'm so mad!!! How can he walk this earth????????? How can he be able to breathe the air that keeps us alive.... walk on the same ground we do.... how can he not be hurting like we do!!!!!!!!!! How can anyone do what he's done and lift his head to society... even has convinced his family that I'm blowing this out of proportion, it does take two you know. HA!!!!! Fuck that!!! How would they know any diff.... they are 8,000 km's away!!! I've lived this nightmare from day one! I'm sorry for ever hiding the abuse but please cut me a break ..... I'm still coming out the bitch in all this. Never mind the police.... the pics of my neck from being strangled.... the statement from Savannah who was 5 at the time.... the neighbours who saved me. Tell me what about this makes me the bitch!! Besides not standing for that abuse anymore!!!

I wish it would all stop!!!!!!!

His family must accept the fact that their son has a severe problem.... it's not me..... he is sick, and dangerous. It's only been 2 months since the police had to track him down for threatening to kidnap savannah and finish killing me! Yet some how that never happened to them..... AND NOW THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO TAKE ME TO COURT!!!!!!!!! Because I don't let anyone talk Savannah.... I'm afraid for him to find out what we are up to, and his family will say what we do. Because Mario is of course the baby, and I'm blowing this out of proportion.

I AM SO MAD.... I AM HURTING SO MUCH.... I FEEL SO... SO.....I DON'T KNOW !!!!!! I can't stop crying... I hurt so much... so much....I cried the whole way walking tonight.

I went to my favorite place tonight to relax after walking for hours. It felt good to see my buddy, felt to good to feel safe for a while. God knows this place sure isn't.... but what can I do...court is next week, maybe once the judge actually gets to hear everything... and that it's been 2 years of torture!!! that it doesn't get any better.... maybe he/she will make HIM go away!!! Give me some security, out walking tonight .... the freaks in town were not my worry! It's coming across him that 's my worry... and would be a very dangerous thing. I would like to think that I would be able to kick his ass, but I know the diff.

My friend found out I walked tonight, he was right to say it was too dangerous. I never should have been walking so late at night. If Mario would seen me... god knows......

just til next week!! lets hope it will be over then....

Sex and the City

So I went to see the movie tonight..... I loved it!!! I cried....I laughed...the whole audience did!! Ashley and I went.... I'm so glad I seen it with her. It was only right to go see it with her, had no idea it would effect me as much as it did. The movie stayed true to friendship between the girls, and true to reality. How they are there for each other, how they work through things together. Ash is always there when I need her, she knows when I need her before I do sometimes..... lol. Movie scares me a little, makes me think of my own life. Comforts me in a way that maybe there can be a modern day fairytale, it may not be Cinderella at the ball.... but it will be mine! Scares me in a way that I could find myself single for a very long time. Which I may find ok at times right now... but what about later?
I know I'm silly for comparing myself to a character from a TV show gone movie. But the real silly thing is, I feel connected to them. I'm not crazy lol.... just a woman who is finding herself turning 30, single, and a mother, who is scared to death, and I have found myself thinking or been in the the scenarios from the TV show!! Not all of them no, but many. I have fallen in love with them and taken a journey with them. They have helped me through some very scary times, when I couldn't bring myself to face the world. Drowned in self pity, I laughed and cried through the series one at a time. I realized that crazy times, sad times, fun times, romance, and complete kaos will happen in life lol.
Ya, I guess that sums it up for me..... I'll just keep going with the flow, I'm doing ok. I've got my friends, my favorite places to go, my favorite people to see, that's a start!!

Have you ever felt broken?

I do sometimes....then sometimes I think I'm ok. I'm happy with being me, I'm happy with being single. It's not the end of the world for me!! Yet some people around me have put the doubt in my mind.

It's been mentioned that maybe I'm broken!!!! I've had "the nice guy" in front of me twice now, and left him!! The guy who would bend over and take it up the ass ( almost ) for me!! Yet some how I manage to find all the reasons to not be with them. The really ironic thing is they both had the same name!!!!!!!! OMG!!!! Once when I was 18 and the next well 29.

It's been mentioned that I like the bad guy lol. Well maybe so, does that mean that I won't have my happy ending? Maybe I don't want that 5 million dollar house with "you know who" maybe I don't want to be a stay at home wife with no self respect! I can't be someone I'm not!! Why can't I have the guy that makes me feel alive! The one that turns me on! I have learned about myself, and I'm not the white picket fence and afternoon tea!! Its not that I don't want nice things. I don't want to change who I am in the process. Yes I maybe rough around the edges, but I want someone who likes me. Not what he thinks I should become!! Go ahead and give me a white picket fence that's ok, just give me a BBQ with my friends and a bottle of Zinfandel, or a Bud!! Slip and slide for the kids, and me lol.

Obviously my track record shows that the guys who take my heart are also the ones who break it. The guys I'm attracted too are usually the wrong ones... or are they????

Maybe it's my way of finding what works for me, what I like!! I'm living my life, only one of them really hurt me, like traumatically!! The others were romances that didn't work, we had fun and enjoyed each others company and I learned things about myself along the way.

Does that mean I'm broken?? Or I am screwed up from Mario and can't handle a real commitment?

WTF!?!?

I would like to think that I'm on the right track! I am normal lol, somewhat anyways lol. And most of all I am Happy now!!! Hear me world.... I am happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am doing what's right for me!! No one else.... I have a friend who I like, he makes me smile every time I see him. I like to hear his voice and see his smile!! I'm happy with that, we get to hang once in a while, not often, but we find the time.... sometimes lol.