Too Late

Well my ex showed up last weekend, at my work with money for child support. So lets just back up a sec, he hasn't done this since July.... I've cut him out completely.... He called me and said he didn't want any trouble just wanted to help me cause of Christmas.

We sat and talked civilly for the first time since the break up. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I can see that he is truly remorseful for what he has done. He didn't even remember everything, I told him and we cried. We cried alot, I told him that this will take time, I don't know if we will ever get somewhere with this. I understand his apology, but honestly how does this sound to you? " I'm sorry for almost killing you ".

He also apologized for putting me in the hospital ( I have a cracked vertabrae from him), saying such horrible things to me on a daily basis. The name calling, the threats, the fear I lived in on a daily basis. There is no apology for that.....there is no acceptance of that.....there is no forgiveness for that. It just doesn't sound natural.... Please if I'm being unreasonalble let me know!!!! I don't think I am though. He was very horrible for a very long time.... I finally broke free and now he is going to turn his life around after destroying mine!!! I put the pieces back of our life ( savannah and I). He just did his coke, and call me threatening to finish what he started. But now that he sees what he done, I'm suppose to be there to give another chance, say that "that's okay, at least now you see? or We've been waiting?" Fuck that , that ship sailed away 2 years ago. I'm okay now, started my life over and enjoying it very much, I will not let him do this to me again.

I think it is too late to apologize!! The damage is unforgivable!!

Christmas with my girl and I

Well we decorated the down stairs tree yesterday. The downstairs tree is for Savannah to decorate all her style no matter what. I must say she did a good job this year. She is a little older now so it's not quite as interesting as past years lol. I do the lights and help with the garland up high...

Then of course we had some fun playing lol.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!! Lots of love and kisses for you....

Well today is the worst day I've had in a very long time. One of those days where you realize that those other days weren't so bad.
Lets see, I woke up late! I realized that I didn't go to the store and get stuff for her lunch. So I thought no big deal, just make it after and bring it up to her. I went out to start the car and it won't start. I took out my booster and it was dead lol. So I got out the plug in booster from the garage and it didn't have enough boost to boost the fucking car!!!!! So...... I went back in side, told Savannah that I would bring her lunch up later and we were walking to school. So while we are walking to school, I took my cell phone out to call mom to tell here I was going to catch a ride with someone to take her truck. My cell phone was suspended.... when I called to find out why, the computer animated system was telling me I didn't exist. So we walked on to school, didn't see anyone I knew to get ride. Got home again and put the car on a slow charge. Throw some close in the laundry, blah blah...... try the car it works! Run to the co-op, get stuff for Savannah's lunch, go home make it, then bring it up. Run to the day care to make her payment before I lost that, only to find out my mom( who is a goddess) has just make the payment for me. Look at the time, it is already 11 am and I have to be to work in an hour!!! My work clothes are still in the washer and I am on the other the side of town. I rush home, put my clothes in the dryer, get showered, get ready, get my ass out the door to work and made it on time for 12pm. Worked a split today, considered training still, but the girl I'm with is awesome so not a big deal.
Get off with 10 min to pick up Savannah, home, change for dance then back to work again for me.
Working for couple hours to find out Mario is on his way to town to pay me some money (some new kick he's on , won't knock it though). So I pull my shift, just fine by the way. Then he shows up. Icing on the cake right?
This is night # 2 where he is shown up and been nice!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't know how to take that one. Thanks for helping but...... why now, why is it ok to give up all the bullshit now. After everything he did to me, why now. I think it's easier to handle him with gone completely. I got use to that. But to show up with money and tell me he is sorry and he is going to help out from now on.... just too much to handle. How do you move past someone and be civil to someone who tried to kill you????????????????????????????? Please tell me how. For the first time in my life I can't find it in me to be the bigger person.
I gave up on him being normal a long time ago. Dealt with his drug induced self pity when he would call and offer money. I don't think I'm strong enough to do this...... Not after what he did. I CAN'T..... DON'T KNOW HOW. HOW DO YOU DO THAT???? A person can't do what he did and repent. I can't lie to him, I don't lie. I don't know what to say to him, other than refresh is memory of what he did to me. I never realized how much he don't remember!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He don't remember...... How convenient For him!!!

Rose and I

Ok so meet Rose, I think that's what Savannah is calling her this week. For some reason she doesn't want to stick with one name for this poor little thing. She started out as Elephant, then flower Rose.... That's the one I 'm sticking with now, I like the name ROse for her. In the mornings when Savannah is gone to school and I'm I do my rounds for feeding the animals. ( I'm like fucking ace ventura ). SO Rose always gets to ride on my shoulders while I do so, she always tickles me on the back of the neck lol. SHe of course gets treats too!!!

Use it or loose it!!

Well, we just spent the whole weekend out in our little hide away!! Yes Jack's acreage. the pic that you see above is looking down her driveway, so nice. When I pull up that drive way. The city disappears along with all it's crap.

She was babysitting her niece and nephew who are 3 months old and 2 years old. Well on top of my 7 yr old, and then Jack's two boys 7yrs and 5 yrs. Very interesting, even though her and I are old pros with kids. Maybe it is true, use it or loose it! Our kids are kind of fend for yourself now lol. They only come find us when one is really pissing the other off!! WELL!!!! Little cute babies are lots of fun, until every 2 hours they are being fed, you change the diaper before and after. Then their naps, hic-ups that make them cry. Not to mention the older kids wanting to take turns with the baby, and you can't really say no cause they are border line jealous with you spending so much time with the baby. Then of course mean time, there is a little 2 year old wandering around the house somewhere so quietly, freaks you out cause you think you lost one in the house somewhere ( she has a very big, kid heavenly kind of place). Yes very interesting.

Well at one point Jack looked at me and said, you know it's only quarter to seven!! Well holy shit, it felt like 11 pm, I was thinking these kids should be all sleeping!! Well we got through it just fine, but it burnt us out. I forgot how much work these little rascals are. It was midnight when the last kid fell asleep, of course that would be mine! exhausted! we stayed up a little to relax with a glass of wine, well tasted very good, and went to bed at 3 am!!! So not the path to travel with 4 kids looking at you in the morning. But Jack's hubby Brad bailed us out, he took the early shift since he went to bed early. Baby was in bed with the momma, and Jack and I got ready to go perform a spa party hung over! I was feeling pretty good, but not Jack lol, Again very interesting! I played chauffeur for her lol.

Well by the time supper came, Brad had taken care of 4 kids by himself for Half the day, then the two youngest went home once momma could walk without upchucking!!!! Savannah and I decided to stay out another night cause of the dark and snow falling and blowing over the highway, not a nice night. Jack and I cleaned up house, round up the 3 we have left to bath and bed time. We finally had a moment to ourselves, we said good night to each other and went to bed lol. That was at 9 pm last night.

It goes to show, we use to have 4 to 5 kids out there all the time ages 2 to 5, we would run them so tired they pass out, we stay up and drink half the night. Get up and do it again! If you don't use it, you loose it!! Jack, Brad and I were wore out from those kids. What a weekend!!