Too Late

Well my ex showed up last weekend, at my work with money for child support. So lets just back up a sec, he hasn't done this since July.... I've cut him out completely.... He called me and said he didn't want any trouble just wanted to help me cause of Christmas.

We sat and talked civilly for the first time since the break up. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. I can see that he is truly remorseful for what he has done. He didn't even remember everything, I told him and we cried. We cried alot, I told him that this will take time, I don't know if we will ever get somewhere with this. I understand his apology, but honestly how does this sound to you? " I'm sorry for almost killing you ".

He also apologized for putting me in the hospital ( I have a cracked vertabrae from him), saying such horrible things to me on a daily basis. The name calling, the threats, the fear I lived in on a daily basis. There is no apology for that.....there is no acceptance of that.....there is no forgiveness for that. It just doesn't sound natural.... Please if I'm being unreasonalble let me know!!!! I don't think I am though. He was very horrible for a very long time.... I finally broke free and now he is going to turn his life around after destroying mine!!! I put the pieces back of our life ( savannah and I). He just did his coke, and call me threatening to finish what he started. But now that he sees what he done, I'm suppose to be there to give another chance, say that "that's okay, at least now you see? or We've been waiting?" Fuck that , that ship sailed away 2 years ago. I'm okay now, started my life over and enjoying it very much, I will not let him do this to me again.

I think it is too late to apologize!! The damage is unforgivable!!

Christmas with my girl and I

Well we decorated the down stairs tree yesterday. The downstairs tree is for Savannah to decorate all her style no matter what. I must say she did a good job this year. She is a little older now so it's not quite as interesting as past years lol. I do the lights and help with the garland up high...

Then of course we had some fun playing lol.

Merry Christmas everyone!!!! Lots of love and kisses for you....

Well today is the worst day I've had in a very long time. One of those days where you realize that those other days weren't so bad.
Lets see, I woke up late! I realized that I didn't go to the store and get stuff for her lunch. So I thought no big deal, just make it after and bring it up to her. I went out to start the car and it won't start. I took out my booster and it was dead lol. So I got out the plug in booster from the garage and it didn't have enough boost to boost the fucking car!!!!! So...... I went back in side, told Savannah that I would bring her lunch up later and we were walking to school. So while we are walking to school, I took my cell phone out to call mom to tell here I was going to catch a ride with someone to take her truck. My cell phone was suspended.... when I called to find out why, the computer animated system was telling me I didn't exist. So we walked on to school, didn't see anyone I knew to get ride. Got home again and put the car on a slow charge. Throw some close in the laundry, blah blah...... try the car it works! Run to the co-op, get stuff for Savannah's lunch, go home make it, then bring it up. Run to the day care to make her payment before I lost that, only to find out my mom( who is a goddess) has just make the payment for me. Look at the time, it is already 11 am and I have to be to work in an hour!!! My work clothes are still in the washer and I am on the other the side of town. I rush home, put my clothes in the dryer, get showered, get ready, get my ass out the door to work and made it on time for 12pm. Worked a split today, considered training still, but the girl I'm with is awesome so not a big deal.
Get off with 10 min to pick up Savannah, home, change for dance then back to work again for me.
Working for couple hours to find out Mario is on his way to town to pay me some money (some new kick he's on , won't knock it though). So I pull my shift, just fine by the way. Then he shows up. Icing on the cake right?
This is night # 2 where he is shown up and been nice!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't know how to take that one. Thanks for helping but...... why now, why is it ok to give up all the bullshit now. After everything he did to me, why now. I think it's easier to handle him with gone completely. I got use to that. But to show up with money and tell me he is sorry and he is going to help out from now on.... just too much to handle. How do you move past someone and be civil to someone who tried to kill you????????????????????????????? Please tell me how. For the first time in my life I can't find it in me to be the bigger person.
I gave up on him being normal a long time ago. Dealt with his drug induced self pity when he would call and offer money. I don't think I'm strong enough to do this...... Not after what he did. I CAN'T..... DON'T KNOW HOW. HOW DO YOU DO THAT???? A person can't do what he did and repent. I can't lie to him, I don't lie. I don't know what to say to him, other than refresh is memory of what he did to me. I never realized how much he don't remember!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He don't remember...... How convenient For him!!!

Rose and I

Ok so meet Rose, I think that's what Savannah is calling her this week. For some reason she doesn't want to stick with one name for this poor little thing. She started out as Elephant, then flower Rose.... That's the one I 'm sticking with now, I like the name ROse for her. In the mornings when Savannah is gone to school and I'm I do my rounds for feeding the animals. ( I'm like fucking ace ventura ). SO Rose always gets to ride on my shoulders while I do so, she always tickles me on the back of the neck lol. SHe of course gets treats too!!!

Use it or loose it!!

Well, we just spent the whole weekend out in our little hide away!! Yes Jack's acreage. the pic that you see above is looking down her driveway, so nice. When I pull up that drive way. The city disappears along with all it's crap.

She was babysitting her niece and nephew who are 3 months old and 2 years old. Well on top of my 7 yr old, and then Jack's two boys 7yrs and 5 yrs. Very interesting, even though her and I are old pros with kids. Maybe it is true, use it or loose it! Our kids are kind of fend for yourself now lol. They only come find us when one is really pissing the other off!! WELL!!!! Little cute babies are lots of fun, until every 2 hours they are being fed, you change the diaper before and after. Then their naps, hic-ups that make them cry. Not to mention the older kids wanting to take turns with the baby, and you can't really say no cause they are border line jealous with you spending so much time with the baby. Then of course mean time, there is a little 2 year old wandering around the house somewhere so quietly, freaks you out cause you think you lost one in the house somewhere ( she has a very big, kid heavenly kind of place). Yes very interesting.

Well at one point Jack looked at me and said, you know it's only quarter to seven!! Well holy shit, it felt like 11 pm, I was thinking these kids should be all sleeping!! Well we got through it just fine, but it burnt us out. I forgot how much work these little rascals are. It was midnight when the last kid fell asleep, of course that would be mine! exhausted! we stayed up a little to relax with a glass of wine, well tasted very good, and went to bed at 3 am!!! So not the path to travel with 4 kids looking at you in the morning. But Jack's hubby Brad bailed us out, he took the early shift since he went to bed early. Baby was in bed with the momma, and Jack and I got ready to go perform a spa party hung over! I was feeling pretty good, but not Jack lol, Again very interesting! I played chauffeur for her lol.

Well by the time supper came, Brad had taken care of 4 kids by himself for Half the day, then the two youngest went home once momma could walk without upchucking!!!! Savannah and I decided to stay out another night cause of the dark and snow falling and blowing over the highway, not a nice night. Jack and I cleaned up house, round up the 3 we have left to bath and bed time. We finally had a moment to ourselves, we said good night to each other and went to bed lol. That was at 9 pm last night.

It goes to show, we use to have 4 to 5 kids out there all the time ages 2 to 5, we would run them so tired they pass out, we stay up and drink half the night. Get up and do it again! If you don't use it, you loose it!! Jack, Brad and I were wore out from those kids. What a weekend!!

Christmas Parade

So we ventured out to the Parade last weekend, met up with our friends and family. Brad and Jackie had their kids, Jackie's brother - wife - and kids. The parade was good, usual for this town, big trucks and oil feild equipment. Of course the kids got lots of candy. We all went to the mall, window shopped and ate at the food court and let the kids ride the little rides. Very big day for Savannah, she slept like a rock!!! It's wonderful to see her so happy and full of life.

My Extended Family

Went to my friends acreage yesterday. I love being with Brad and Jackie( i call her Jack). Jack and I have laugh together, and of course Brad is my best friend too. I relax in the solarium, have a white Russian or a glass of red wine. Help with supper or putter around the house with Jack. My daughter is the same age as the oldest boy Taylor, and the younger one Matty ... well just tags along anyways. She disappears into the huge house with the other kids, and find me when she is hungry. I met Brad when I first moved here through my ex. I remember when he met Jackie... the only woman who could possibly whip his ass into shape. She was a bartender. We had even better parties then, but of course time ticked on by, Jackie and I started having babies. We went from all night parties, to all night baby feedings, to barely ever seeing each other and talk on the phone all the time about how our kids driving us crazy. It's been 11years now, and they are my extended family. They have been through everything with me, my parties, my careers, my pregnancy, my separation, my quest for my new life ( which is going just fine). They are closer than any brother or sister could be, or maybe that's what it's like to have a brother or sister. The unconditional love that is always for me.

Don't Promise me

What the hell is it with most guys? I mean ... we talk, have a drink, or game of pool. Then I am getting text messages asking me “to spend the rest of my life with him!!!” Get a freaking grip!! It’s not romantic, I find it disturbing. You are just meeting me, why do you find yourself having to promise me something?? If we can’t have a conversation with out you being such an ass as by obviously lying to me, we will never get far enough for anything else. I don’t need some man to make up shit to impress me. I am an intelligent woman. It’s insulting when you try to trick me into liking you. If I’m spending time with you it’s because I already like you. Why ruin it with stupid promises that you don‘t really mean!! You don’t even know me. I don’t need someone to promise me the world. I am very capable of making things happen…. if I want it to!!

My best friends Wedding

Here is Ashley (one of my best friends) on her wedding day.

Here is my buddy Lance, who is lucky enough to be marrying my friend Ashley.

Don't they look sweet lollll. And to make it even better, Ashley's last name is no longer Kolodychuck ( I know it's not spelled right) it is simpley Riley!!!

I love them both!

For my girl

Please give her my strength,
When she feels weak.
Please give her my faith,
When she can’t believe.
Please give her my wisdom,
When she is unsure.
Please give her my patience,
When she’s ready to give up.
Please give her my love,
When she feels alone.

What do I do?????

Somebody tell me please, how do I explain to my 7 yr old daughter why her father chose a life style of drugs and alcohol instead of her? She is so smart, and she is asking more and more questions about him, and what happened between us. She has blocked out majority of what happened with our day to day life with her dad, so she is trying to piece it back together. I've tried sheltering her from what happened but that just didn't feel right. I am honest as I can be with her, but I am running out of answers.... I don't know what else to do..... My baby is growing into a little lady with out a dad. My dad is her male influence, and he is gone working all the time. Like being a single parent isn't hard enough!! He just walked away from her!!! Didn't even put up a fight for her, I told him to stay away if he can't stay sober!! He never even tried.... never tried.... He just disappeared. So she has no Dad. How can I be everything she needs? How do I do this? How? I feel so over whelmed, I just want to scream. I'm sick to my stomach everyday now. I can't sleep, can't eat. She is needing the one thing I can't give her!! She is hurting so much, and I can't take away her pain. All I can do is help her deal with it. A 7 yr old should not have to deal with this!! I wonder some days if I am strong enough to get her through this. I honestly don't know where it comes from sometimes. I am so exhausted, what a time for a magic wand. We are both learning just how many ways his abuse is still hurting us, and he is not even here anymore!!!

Whispers of Serpents

Whispers of Serpents

Over eons I've been honored, worshipped, despised, hated, and murdered. Perhaps even reborn. I am Medusa, betrayed by my sister Athena, so she could claim right to bear my rage onto the field of battle in the new world of the invader, Zeus, and his brothers....but I am far more than the Gorgon beast with the petrifying stare, or lover to Poseidon- come- lately.I am the echo of the memory of Mother as Protector, when I walked with my son Pegasus at my side. Your peoples remember me in your fear of the avenging mother....and perhaps you should fear me-if you have wounded an innocent.

Found this while reading through some literature, I like it...

http://chronos.plutospeaks.info/medusa/medusa.html

No More Fear

There was a time when you ruled,
You ruled my fears.
You survived off my depression,
You drank from my tears .
Although your not in my sight,
Haven’t been for sometime now.
I feel you in the shadows ,
Reaching for me some how.
Trying to finish what was started,
Do you dare take my life?
I’m stronger than you now !
I will protect my life!
You can not silence me,
You have no power here.
Your time is over,
There will be no more fear.

Halloween

I love to decorate the house for Halloween, the kids like it too!!!!

Something else I like

As you can see, I like the mythology of medusa.

I enjoy her ever lasting legacy emensely.

I feel I can relate a great deal to the strugle against betrayal, and scars it leaves. The judgment casted by others, and the endless fight for revenge. The earth shaking effects that come from such a travisty, such hatred, such fear. A dark place where a part of me will always lie, to let the rest of me embrace life with all it's beauty, as it lays there protecting me from him.

Of Roads of Death

Taken from:

Of Roads of Death

Men can be persuasive. This Poseidon, we had much in common, with our ears to the murmurings of the oceans, the tides within the Earth, the rumblings and shakings of stones.

I do not forget any of the essences of being female, no. Believe me, we had our share of quakings and shattering of the walls of earth.

Perhaps I was not a quiet enough woman for that new world? I wuld not stop my dancing, still my voice, or quiet my anger.

Poseidon, ever envious of his brother and his brother’s favor, chose to repudiate her as he best knew how, as a male with a male’s aggressions, and I foolishly fell sway to his charms until he considered himself within my graces enough to try to desecrate my sister Athena’s temple, home of reason, precision, calmness, and clarity, with his seismic lust.

What does it matter today whether or not I consented? The walls cracked. My sister bade me leave her sight, betrayed by the part I had played. Eventually she betrayed me, as well, aiding a boy out to steal my fury to protect his mother.

I do not begrudge Perseus the weapons he cut of my corpse to ward a woman he loved from rape. But I have had time now to come to peace with mortality. I needed to walk the paths of death myself to truly know where it is that I steer your souls.

Where my spirit wandered since? That is another story.

Of Roads of Death

Taken from:

Of roads in Death

I am mother to Pegasus, winged child of the pure water springs, delight of my lives. I am Medusa, protector of the younglings, and of newly awakened women walking into the snares of those rabid men who would use their youth, or beauty, or innocence, against them. They wear my mask to warn would- be predators that I hold them under my wings.

Medusa

Medusa

I found myself captivated by the beauty in this picture. The power of Medusa, the power she held. Although it's said she was considered so ugly that she turned men to stone.

Yet she did not start out that way, she was a

beautiful young girl at one time with hair that was the envy of many.

There are so many different versions of this story it's hard tell

what one to use. To be able to say that this is how they came up with this. But most of them seem to have this story line running through

it. She was in love, had her heart broken, and was betrayed by him.

Poseidon ravaged her in her sister's temple( Athena ) as part of his plot for revenge.

Athena enraged, punishes Medusa. Turning her once beautiful hair

into snakes, cursed to never be touched my another again. Banished from her eyes.

I Can't help but see the feminism in this story, guess it's all how you approach the story.

Simply put, Medusa and her sisters were the "amazon warrior" type. She tried to fit in, her beauty was her down fall. She was betrayed and became an outcast from all. She was a women scorned, and she didn't bend over no more for any man. She was a feminist of that time, in my eyes. The story of her curse was a man's

excuse for being no match for her combat skills, she slaughtered all who dared to confront her.

So the story is her dread locks were acually snakes, and her stare was one of death. Her beauty was gone in their eyes, she was not what a woman should be. In a time when unexplainable things were acts of sorcery by gods. For her to be able to beat a man at his game, this must be a curse. So she was eventually killed because of it.

This is just one perspective, and it's my perspective.

We are doing good.

Look out Material Girl!

My girl loves that old 80's look....

We had our birthdays go bye already.
As always we had a great time.
We didn't have a big party this year,
but we had each other and family. Oh and of course her best friend Brooklyn who is always with us lol.












My daughter and I are exremly close, we have learned to depend on each other. Our past has braught us closer and made us stronger.

All that's left to say now it,
" it's a beautiful life".

Out having fun!

So here's me, the momma. My baby and I are heading out for a bike ride through the park.
















Here is my baby, not such a baby, but still
"MY BABY"










And there is my baby taking off from me...

















What can I say, I have the most wonderful daughter in the world...




































































































Peace Dude!!!!