My little baby turned young woman

So Savannah is having a hard time with Father's Day this year. She is feeling very hurt and angry. I don't blame her, I would be too, I am!!! She is struggling again, it seems just when she is at an understanding she figures out another detail which just messes up her whole theory. These are some of her words lately-

" Is it okay to love someone but hate them? I'm confused ....."

" I'm not missing MY DADDY, I'm missing out on having a daddy...I wish I had one...."

" Why doesn't Dad love me enough to quit drugs and alcohol?"

" I wish I could go back to that day mommy, I would not just sit there screaming..... I would go to daddy and just smack him! I would tell him that I won't love him anymore.... I would hit and kick him until he stopped hitting you!! I would protect you mommy like you protect me....."

Now take that!!

So did not expect this so soon. I thought she would be older before some of these would come at me. She is so grown up for a 7 year old... she is learning on her own the difference in loving someone and wanting someone. I just hope she will be able to trust men when she is older. I want her to be a strong young woman, support herself, get an education have lots of friends and live life a little. Meet someone who enjoys the things she enjoys, and go from there.

One step at a time Annalee....right? Lets work up to the adolescent years first lol. But I can't help but feel like she has been robbed of her innocences, right to think the world is fairy tale for a while. It feels as though she has been forced to grow up to a reality that she biologicaly wasn't ready for. Not in my eyes anyways, maybe I'm just wanting to keep her a baby, or maybe it would be my fairy tale for her to have that worry free childhood. Is there such a thing these days????????????

Fathers Day again!!

So it's been a full week for me!! Lets back up to the previous Sunday....

Sunday night I went out with the guys from work... oh my.... we danced like crazy drunk fools trying not to fall all over the place. I had a blast! I forgot how fun the bar could be.... I ran into a lot of people I haven't seen for a long time. It's not something I would want to do all the time, but it was awesome for something different.

Monday morning I wasn't feeling so great, a little tired lol. So.... I remember that I lost my bank card and my truck keys at the club.... doh!!!.... So realizing that the club is closed for the next 2 days I'm not impressed!! So I get ready to go to drive to Camrose with Mark, one of the guys from work( who I was out with the night before). We had a meeting there for our work. So we speeded our way there with only one speeding ticket by the way. Stopping in Edmonton to visit some friends only to get caught up in every construction zone there is in the city, we found every dead end!!! Did you know there is a little China town in Edmonton?? We also found crack head central lol.... we locked the car doors during that place!!!! After 2 hours in the city driving we found them, we visited, then off to Camrose.... we finally got there at 1 am!!!!

Tuesday we were up and gone to our meeting, feeling sore muscles I never knew I had!! Realizing that we must have looked like fools on sunday lol. So our meeting was not very long thank god!! We headed back to Edmonton to our friends restaurant and hung out there for a while. Mark got to play in the kitchen, he was very happy. I wanted to help with front of House but thought I should leave it alone. I helped out where I could with the kitchen. So we headed back home. We listened to new kids on the block, and tried to make it back here without stopping for gas. We almost didn't make it!!!!!! But, we did... and we had fun along the way lol.

Wednesday I woke up to extreme pains in my chest, my right arm lost all feeling. I couldn't breathe, my motor skills felt almost paralyzed by these sharpe pains. I was so scared.... I called my Mom, she came right away, got Savannah off to school and me to the emergency room. They had me on the heart monitor for the first half of the day, then putting me through tests checking my lungs etc. They couldn't diagnose, he wanted to keep me overnight.... of course I wanted to go home, so I did. I was very, very stoned on a lot of pain killers through my IV, don't remember much more than that lol.

Thursday I worked regardless of how I felt...

Friday I worked all day, then spent all night back at emerge again!!! SO after all that the doctor says " I can't find anything wrong, it must be the lining of your lungs inflamed. Go home and it will be better in few days". I so hate that place!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They had me propped up in a chair when my mom showed up there, I could barely breath, my blood pressure was through the roof, empty beds everywhere...... the nurse says " she's not in that bad of shape to require a bed" Well lets just say my mom wasn't having that lol. I'm so glad my mommy showed up lol.

So saturday I sleep then work..... same with sunday...... so glad when monday came around cause that means no work !!!!!!!!!

I still feel like crap, but what can you do when the health system cares for masking your pain with pain killers as to finding why you can't breathe while your having chest pains!!!!

And life goes on..........

Mother's Day

Mother's Day weekend

So here we are another Mother's Day!! Savannah and I went to the acreage for a night, I didn't have to work (doing a little happy dance) so we figured it's time to get out there!! Plus Jack and I get together every Mother's Day weekend. Kids play until they drop. We drink our wine until we drop lol. (Which was about 4 am!!!!!) I got up with our kids this morning and and gave them breakfeast once I found my brain again!! Could've sworn my head fell off and I kicked it down the stairs when I woke up!! 3 bottles of wine and 4 hours of sleep is hard on the system lol.
Her and I hung out outside today, which was wonderful, so peaceful out there. Feels so different coming back into town. I love the country. We took the kids on a frog hunt... we found the eggs everywhere.... but no frogs lol. Savannah and I stayed for supper then it was back to town. But we had an amazing time, always do with Jack and the kids.

Not too much to ask!

I feel so.... Not sure..... it's not sad... at least I don't think so lol. I'm finding myself wondering if there will be someone out there for me lol. ya I can hear some of you now.

your so young yet, don't worry! Well, I am....

What can I do? I'm me... and maybe someone like me is not meant to be with someone else. There are many of people who never marry, God that does not sound well lol.

I would like to spend my life with ..... just wish there was someone who thought I was ..... well what they are looking for without wanting to change me, who wants me just the way I am!! funny quirks and all!! I know that is not too much to ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Just

I found this.... A moment frozen in time.... I remember feeling so horrible, no words to describe how empty, and hollow I felt back then. I don't know exactly how scared I was, how damaged I am, except for these poems I left behind. I blacked out for a while after I left my daughter's dad. There is a time I don't remember. But I'll come across these poems that I don't remember.

Just cry,

Just as I hit the floor.

Just cry,

Just like before.

Just breathe,

Just a little more.

Just breathe,

Just like before.

Just scream,

Just head for the door.

Just scream,

Just like before.

just run,

Just a little bit more.

Just run,

Just get her out before.

Just hide,

Just huddle here on the floor.

Just hide,

Just stay away from the door.

Just cry,

Just cry some more.

Just cry my baby,

Just hug into mommy some more.

I cannot describe how that makes me feel....Forgive me, please I need to forgive myself for that, I need to rid myself of that tragedy, rid myself of that guilt. It was not my fault.......!

Next

So...... I swear to what ever is suppose to be above us looking out for us..... There is nothing for me lol... Well, I guess that's a little drastic!! But I'm sure you know the feeling lol.

So the dating game continues.

So how does this work?

To be honest with you, I don't want a boyfriend! Is that normal? I want to make it on my own, I want to proud of digging myself out of this whole I've found myself in. Is that unrealistic? I don't know cause I'm the first of my kind. I don't know anyone else in my position. At least they don't have my obstacles, money etc. ( Not saying they don't exist... just not in my knowledge, physically.... I know your out there lolll) ( HELP) I want someone who wants me for me.... Not what they see I could be for them!!!

I just broke up with a guy who couldn't help himself but buy flowers for me all the time. Who wanted to supp0rt me ( $$$$$), pay off my debt, buy me my truck!! Those of you who know me.... Damn!!!!!!!!! That was a hard move.... But at the end of it all, I can't wake up one day and realize that I stayed with someone for their money. (Which he pushed at me every step of the way). That he was so good cause he made so much money, which he did, more than I could ever dream of having at my disposal!!! But with everything comes a cost... ( Not to mention that he was still not divorced!!! meaning that he is still married! $*&^$ that!!!! I wont' be that woman)

I chose my dignity.

I chose my freedom, cause he already showed signs of controlling me because of his money, and it's only just over a month in!! So...

Realizing I am not one of those girls who can be with a man just for his money, I do not regret to inform you I broke up with him.... Not all that sad about it!! That must say something too. Money does not mean a !#%&*) a thing, it's how the person make you feel, how they respect you.