I've come to a realization lately... all the good guys are taken. I am a turning 31 yrs old. I live in my parent's basement with my daughter.... I work so much that they practically raiser her 5 days a week.... they are driving me insane!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! But it's not their fault!!!!!!!!!!! I know this... they are being good... no... great parents to me, grand parent s to her.... but .... still driving me! It's almost like they forget that I gave birth to her sometimes.

today, I leave the house to get my daughter from school. Told dad as I was leaving, he says, oh... I can go get her... I say no I'm going... he says well I can go get her... I say no I want to go get my girl cause I never get to do so... he says well if you want me too I'll go get her now.... WHAT PART OF I WILL GO GET HER DOES HE NOT UNDERSTAND!!!!!! Honestly come on... give me a break. I know he means well but this is why kids move out! Because they think of me as a 15 yr old kid living here, and my daughter is soooo much like me, it is me to them. Even if I'm home she doesn't come to me, she goes to my mom..... this is killing me.

Nothing I can do, can't afford to live on my own, can't afford shit! I'm stuck here, just went from one controlling relationship to another.... cause no matter who I meet, it will never work. It will be a choice of her and him. Savannah and my mom and dad compared to me and a guy. How could I ever justify???? I never will, so I"m stuck here, alone, never living a life of my own. never really living ......

Just me

I'm not a nut case, I just find poetry sooths the soul. When I feel sad, distraut or any emotion that over whelms me, I feel these words clutter in my head. I play with the words like a puzzle, until it makes sense. Some days I find random sentences that never go any further, other days I find poetry. These poems are a part of me, a moment in time. It's always easier to write about saddness, or depression. Not sure why, it just seems to flood my mind at that those times. But there are many happy poems I've written, yet they are very passionate. Intimate really is better word, not the type of poetry I would share here, at least not right now :)

Never Ok

Days drift bye while I float away...
Leaving behind a life that was never okay.
At first it seemed in time I would just circle back around.
Now I discover that I am no where to be found.
I've cried so many tears thought I never could again.
Yet lost among the waves I already morn my end.
Forgiveness for the life they say I survived,
Yet here I am a shell of the woman who really died.
I don't feel pain as pain.... It'll just go away,
Leaving behind a life that was never okay.

Hey, so I've decieded to paint my daughter's room now...... Ya, do you think I could keep it simple??? Not a chance!! I'm gonna be painting for the next week lol.
Well I painted her room when she was 3 yrs old. I had an african safari with an elephant, girafe, monkey hanging from a tree and tall grass growing from the baseboards. A lot of work, took me 2 weeks picking at it. Plus you have to wait between some sets etc.
Well.... now I'm discovering how easy it is to cover up some of this... ha ha ha it's so not funny!! And of course the new design of the room is not simple by no means. All four walls are different colors, with other colors streaming through, circling peace signs and flowers and not sure what else yet. I work best on the fly, so the rest will fall into place as I go. Oh me oh my.... what I do for my girl! I shouldn't complain that much, everything I do I do for her.

Spring is here!

So the days are getting warmer, it's nice to see spring on it's away. The weather itsn't the only thing that's warming up. My heart seems to be too..... stay tuned :)

My Life

Well this is my family a long time ago! Welcome to 1978, this is from my first christmas.

My mom, and dad. We didn't have much, just lots of love lol.

Scary thing about these pics is that the style has come back

again!!!!

I like old pictures, it's always nice to look back once in a while. See how far you have come, and ask where is it you want to go?

Something New!!

I don't want to say that things are finally coming together.... but I guess I'm as on track as can be! I'm looking at the GM (General Manager) position at my work. I have a good staff, good kitchen. It's great there! Savannah is doing well, mom and dad are great. My friends are great, I have a new truck, and if things stay somewhat on track..... I could be in my own house next year this time!!!! Do you have any idea how amazing that is!

Well I know I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself, nothing is a for sure thing. Just that this is as close as I ever felt to this.... I feel like that maybe sometime in my future, it will be possible for us to have a house of our own. I comfortable at my work, I have a the opportunity to learn an enormous amount of info. Whether I get this new position or not. Either way I learn all the same things, it's just one position I get the money of it, the other way I'll have to work harder at a lesser amount until the time is right. My luck it will be the lesser of the two, but hey..... can't complain! I'm still learning... ultimately.... isn't that the biggest part in life? I'm having fun again!! So proud of me.... doing a little dance... have fun tonight!! Ha ha ha... ahhhh! Later...

more time is needed

It's weird how life works out sometimes. You can be walking around wishing for a life that you think is ideal. Having no idea that it's really not want you want! Meaning once you have it in front of you.... you see it in a different light.

Which is what I'm finding out right now. I find it disturbing, to have come across this again! Another guy who wishes to just take care of me. Here I am fighting this all the way. It feels akward to have to rely on a man now. I didn't think it would feel like it did... kind of like riding a bike. You just need to get back on again. So not the case!! Not that it's what I was looking for, it just kind of happened. It's not in me to play a littel house wife lol. Because that's what it is, playing. I'm not helpless, nor weak, nor stupid in anyway. My heart maybe foolish but that's a different matter.

Now in all this I have learned something very important about myself. I've faced some decisions that are not the easiest for a singel mother, a woman to face. I've realized that I will never be that woman I thought I would be. I won't be at home keeping the house clean, cooking supper and joining the PTA. I will be out working 60 hours a week to provide for my family. Making supper when I can, out with school PTA, seeing my friends, even find time in all that for a friday night partying once in a while. Sadly I guess I've assumed the traditional "male role", so it's only fair that another male in the family would be a threat to my identity. Wow, I'm not sure where I got that from but it just cam out. Seems to make sense, now that's weird. I'm not saying I'm lesbian!! I'm saying it's sad because... I'm confused... what I thought I would be... I will never be. What I once dreamed is not a dream, it's a dreaded place to be. My future is unkown completely to me!! I know a career will drive my life. Proof to Savannah that we will make it together. Realizing fear of commitment runs deeper than I ever thought.... well I have time on my side right?

I must have faith in myself, my strength to pull my family through anything. My own fears most of all. I don't want her to have my fears, I want her to be able to trust and love with out the fear I feel. Without this weight of shame I carry on my shoulders.

Christmas in Cuba

We didn't have a white Christmas....

We had a white sand Christmas

in

CUBA!!!!

Here's a picture of the beach we were on for two weeks. Talk about bliss!! Savannah had a blast! The feel of the warm breeze... the waves of the ocean. Water was so warm. We went snorkling a few times. Even went cave diving! The cave we swam in was estimated at 250,000 yrs old. Just wonderful!





We went out to see the dolphins, we sailed for a day out off the bay of Varadero. It was great, we swam with the dolphins, touched them, even got our pics taken with them. Those little buggers are strong!! So soft and firm all at the same time.Savannah of course caught the attetion of the captain and his first mate. So when we sailed back to shore, Savannah is got to take the wheel for about 45 min, til we hit bay then he had to take back over.

We took a day down town, only one day though. I was just happy being on the beach, wouldn't change a thing!

I'm so happy we went! I had the time of my life!! I'm so hooked on this sort of thing!

Just wondering.... where do I want to go next?

Annabel Lee

I recently came across an old poem. I am taken by this poem for multiple reasons. My homeroom teacher through high school who was also my literature teacher recited this poem to me in grade 9. I had him for 4 years all together, and he called me Annabel lee for all 4 years!! One time he even announced my name as Annabel lee over the PA system for all the school to hear. I remember feeling mortified!! He was an amazing teacher, he retired if memory serves me right. We were his graduating class at the same time too! I miss him some days. I can still see his smile, cause I would be walking up to his desk saying Sir.... I don't understand? I always had a million questions in lit class lol. He would smile when he seen me coming. Anyways here's the poem.

Annabel Lee

by Edgar Allan Poe

It was many and many a year ago,

In a kingdom by the sea

THat a maiden there lived whom you may know

By the name of Annabel Lee--

And this maiden she lived with no other thought

Than to love and be loved by me.

I was a child and she was a child,

In this kingdom by the sea,

But we loved with a love that was more than love--

I and my Annabel Lee;

With a love that the winged seraphs of heaven

Coveted her and me.

And this was the reason that, long ago,

In this kingdom by the sea,

A wind blew out of a cloud, chilling

My beautiful Annabel Lee;

So that her highborn kinsmen came

And bore her away from me,

To shut her up in a sepulchre

In this kingdom by the sea.

The angels, not half so happy in heaven,

Went envying her and me--

Yes!-- that was the reason (as all men know,

In this kingdom by the sea)

That the wind came out of the cloud by night,

Chilling and killing my Annabel Lee.

But our love it was stronger by far than the love

Of those who were older than we--

Of many far wiser than we--

And neither the angels in heaven above,

Nor the demons down under the sea,

Can ever dissever my soul from the soul

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:

For the moon never beams, without bringing me dreams

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:

And the stars never rise, but I feel the bright eyes

Of the beautiful Annabel Lee:

And so, all the night-tide, I lay down by the side

Of my darling--my darling--my life and by bride,

In the sepulchre there by the sea--

In her tomb by the sounding sea.