more time is needed

It's weird how life works out sometimes. You can be walking around wishing for a life that you think is ideal. Having no idea that it's really not want you want! Meaning once you have it in front of you.... you see it in a different light.

Which is what I'm finding out right now. I find it disturbing, to have come across this again! Another guy who wishes to just take care of me. Here I am fighting this all the way. It feels akward to have to rely on a man now. I didn't think it would feel like it did... kind of like riding a bike. You just need to get back on again. So not the case!! Not that it's what I was looking for, it just kind of happened. It's not in me to play a littel house wife lol. Because that's what it is, playing. I'm not helpless, nor weak, nor stupid in anyway. My heart maybe foolish but that's a different matter.

Now in all this I have learned something very important about myself. I've faced some decisions that are not the easiest for a singel mother, a woman to face. I've realized that I will never be that woman I thought I would be. I won't be at home keeping the house clean, cooking supper and joining the PTA. I will be out working 60 hours a week to provide for my family. Making supper when I can, out with school PTA, seeing my friends, even find time in all that for a friday night partying once in a while. Sadly I guess I've assumed the traditional "male role", so it's only fair that another male in the family would be a threat to my identity. Wow, I'm not sure where I got that from but it just cam out. Seems to make sense, now that's weird. I'm not saying I'm lesbian!! I'm saying it's sad because... I'm confused... what I thought I would be... I will never be. What I once dreamed is not a dream, it's a dreaded place to be. My future is unkown completely to me!! I know a career will drive my life. Proof to Savannah that we will make it together. Realizing fear of commitment runs deeper than I ever thought.... well I have time on my side right?

I must have faith in myself, my strength to pull my family through anything. My own fears most of all. I don't want her to have my fears, I want her to be able to trust and love with out the fear I feel. Without this weight of shame I carry on my shoulders.