Thinking out loud

The last few months I have been examining my life, and what direction I'm heading. I find myself at more than just a cross road. But more like a massive junction, leaves me feeling lost.

I know what I want, just can't see the way there. Do I trust my heart? Am I better off relying on common sense? I've always used a combination of the two, like most people....but what about when I'm not sure if I can trust my own judgment? Or my loved ones. I have people around me that I know love me very much, yet they purposly hold me back. Thye are afraid of the past repeating its self. They ask me, how can I take the chance.....

How can I not take the chance? I want to live again....

It's the final steps to my freedom.... Savannah and I moving out, start our new begining. She is ready and so am I. -Until I wonder how long will it be until Mario finds out and starts showing up. I feel my heart stricken with terror.... I can't breathe ...I just want to throw up. All the previous battles with myself over the abuse I went through, I didn't make it this far to give up. I'm strong, and this will be the hardest step in my recovery.- So.....

Welcome to my delema. I move out but stay in town and take the chance on Mario finding us. Or do I move away where he can't find me? Then my family and friends won't be there with me. I don't want to be all by myself. Or is that what I need? Will I be safe? It just keeps going on and on inside my head.....til I have this massive junction of possibilities in front of me... I don't know how to simplify this situation. Thinking out loud helps me sometimes.

I'm tired of living with this restriction on my life. I need to feel free once and for all, But what do I do about Mario?? He is unpredictable, which is something I don't like, makes my life very difficult right now...