Warning

"WARNING

STRESS LIMITS HAVE EXCEEDED THEIR

NATURAL PARAMETERS -

FOLLOWING CONTENT MUST BE VENTED

TO PREVENT A TOTAL MELT DOWN"

3 weeks, a lot can change in 3 weeks.... 3 weeks ago I was driving around thinking it's about time for things to start going good for me, I had a plan on getting my own place, new truck in the spring. So happy I had taken that time off work for my trip up north. I had the chance to clear my head and think of things I haven't had the time to sort out. I felt rejuvenated!! Now the following may or may not seem like much to you. But to me it's my world crumbling down after I have fought so hard to make it my own. These are the major bad points, not counting all the little things that may frustrate you from day to day. Like the little snow ball at the top of the hill, it's not so little when it reaches the bottom....

• 3 weeks ago, just at the end of that cold snap we were so blessed to experience. I discovered that my transmission no longer wanted work. If it was cold out side (-5 or colder) I had to let it warm up for at least 20 - 30 minutes to ensure it would change gears!!! So I say to myself " Self....just save up your money, get a rebuilt ( I use to work at the place here so maybe I will get a deal)." It'll be ok, worst things could happen. - Talk about understament of the century!!!!


• 2 weeks ago, I realize that my work is cutting back hours. When you want to save up for a tranny (quickly) that's not a good thing. Plus I want to be in my own place in 3 months so need a working vehicle for school and work!! So I say to my self " Self.... you better get moving on that second job. I know you really don't want late night shifts but, you gotta do what ya gotta do!!"


• 10 days ago at my most venerable point in my relationship with my ex who was slowly proving himself a changed man. Calls me at 2 am to ask me to pick him up at the RCMP station cause he got himself in more trouble being the %*&#@ idiot he is ( see blog entry "2 am")!!!!!!!! This was a huge ordeal because he betrayed me , after all I.....$%&*@#!!!!! He lost all visitation rights to his daughter, which hurts her more than him. I've lost all child support since the outcome will be jail in a month so there goes that new place for while!! I only just started getting money from him 2 months ago. So I say to myself..."Self... You shake him off, that man has done far worst than hurt your feelings before, so this is a cake walk!! Move on, at least in jail he can't hurt you anymore."


• 6 days ago I decided to go out for a few drinks and dancing. I had to wear those boots.... they're hot.... but obviously dangerous. Especially once your drunk on a wet dance floor... so down I go ( see blog entry ) !! Broke my Scaphoid bone. This took 3 painful days to diagnose, a lot of time off work...so again...not good for saving money !!!! Still not good for money being a waitress for a living, I'm a lot slower than normal. It frustrates me cause I'm a good waitress So I say to myself...."Self.... what the #%!* did you think you were doing, look what ya got done now!! Oh well, just deal with it, you'll do the best you can, what else can you do?"


• During all this going on with wrist my car is making a new and scary noise!! Even I know it has nothing to do with my tranny. ( of course since the cold weather has gone it gives me some time with my tranny problem! ) I left my car parked cause I'm really not in the mood to deal with a broken car...... So yesterday I figured... why put off my meltdown? I took her to the garage and guess ...lol....yup.....The #$#@!# motor is gone!!!!! No vroom vroom any more!!! The car is 5 years old 109,000 kms and the motor is shot. And I swear one more guy asks me if I put oil in it I will knock him back on his ass!!! Probably give him a few kicks while he's down too!!!!!!! So I say to myself...."Self....stop crying, you'll find away through this. You always find a way through this. Please stop crying...."

I mean come on!!!! This is just the last 3 weeks!!! This is suppose to be the year I finally get out of this house!!! I couldn't keep up with credit debt payments because of "him" first time in my life I've had missed payments on my credit report, and it's maxed out credit because of him before he left. So I can't get help that way!!! I got 2 years left to pay on the car, I can't afford to get it fixed. between 4 & 5 thousand to do the motor, than about another 3 thousand for the tranny!!!

Seriously, it's all I can do to just "be" right now. Be me at home, or work, or a mommy or I don't know what cause I am ready to just shut down!! Whats' the ^*&$#! is the point anymore, no matter how hard I try this is just gonna happen. I don't know how I did it before? I ran on pure steam from my rage towards him for a while. But I'm not about that now. I'm tired of struggling, I struggled to get past my health problems all those years, which blended into surviving/getting past him all those years and now I just don't think I got the strength to keep fighting. Life.....is it always going to be like this? For you that don't know me, may think I'm over reacting,dramatic. Fine doesn't really bother me lol. For those who do....well, ( Ash time to worry) I think I finally hit the wall!!! I honestly don't know... I don't know....don't know! I just want to disappear.......